Disclaimer: Paramount owns the rights to all the Voyager characters etc presented in this narrative. I’m only borrowing them for creative purposes and for the enjoyment of Star Trek fan fiction readers everywhere. No funds were made or exchanged in any way, so there is no reason to sue.

Code: J/7

Rating: NC-17, This story contains a considerable amount of sex talk, graphic and explicit sex between two adult females. There are depictions of rough and careless sex with an accessory. Accessory warning! Although it is not brutal, it may disturb some readers.

There is also a violence and language warning, which could fall under the 'R' rating. There is a lot of angst and pain in this one for our leadin' ladies, so beware. Also a death alert, but I think the ending is worth the torture, though! Hopefully you'll agree.

If this disturbs you in any way or you are under 18 or if this is illegal where you live, please do not read! This is NOT for you.

Timeframe: Between the 7th and 8th year in the Delta Quadrant. In this story, Voyager never gets home. Except the EMH had already fixed Seven's fail-safe problem.

Comments: A story of Janeway and Seven who having been dating for awhile and are trying to establish a romantic relationship discover all is not what it appears.

This story is written mostly from Janeway's point of view, and occasionally Third person POV when Janeway was not in the scene. Hope it's not too confusing.

 


False Pretenses

by Scar

 

***** (Janeway POV)

 

We got an early start that morning and made it to the M-class planet in just 6 hours and 20 minutes, just like Seven predicted utilizing the maximum speed of the Delta Flyer; Warp six.

We pulled into a higher than normal orbit to do some routine scans. I sat at the Ops station, while Seven utilized the Engineering console and Tuvok was at tactical.

"I am detecting over four billion lifeforms." Seven announced from behind me, at the Engineering post.

"Guess it's populated." Tom quibbled from the helm position. Tuvok, who was directly across from me on my right at the tactical station, simply raised a brow to Tom's comment.

"I am detecting warp particles in ten separate locations on the planet." The Vulcan informed me. "I believe they are warp capable Captain."

"Check for any vessels in orbit."

His hands flew over the console. "There are… four medium sized vessels in low orbit on the southern hemisphere of the planet. They have made no indication that they are aware our presence."

"Hail the planet, open a channel, all subspace bands."

We only waited a few minutes before they replied on a lower band. This caused the video to be slightly distorted on Tom's viewer.

"My name is Praetor Anatul, may I ask what is your business here?"

I took a deep breath leaning over Tom's chair, since the viewer was to his right. "My name is Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the Federation starship Voyager. I would like to speak with you about a possible trade."

I didn’t know much about his species, but he looked humanoid enough even through the snowy reception. He sported a mouth with unusually thin lightly purple lips, his nose consisted of two small slits while his eyes were rounder than ours having deep purple pupils and no corneas. It was certainly different.

"Trade?" he said curiously.

I told him we needed a substance called deuterium to fuel our ship, which his planet had an abundance of in the northern mountainous region. I didn't tell him Voyager was practically stranded at impulse power because we lost our back up supply to a sneak attack. It wasn't necessary.

After 30 minutes of negotiating, I decided to give him data on how to make his warp field more stable. I was dangerously close to crossing the line of the prime directive, but we were somewhat desperate. If we had to travel to the next system. it would have taken the Delta Flyer over a week to acquire and travel both ways. I didn't want to leave Voyager stranded at impulse for that long. It was too risky.

Thankfully, Tuvok said nothing. Perhaps he understood the situation and realized the information I intended to give them would not change the pace of their advancement. It would only make their current warp drives more stable and safer to operate. Either way, we had to acquire that isotope.

The Praetor allowed us to beam down unguarded to the mountainous region where we knew the greatest concentrations of our much-needed element to be.

We left Tom on the Delta Flyer, gathered our supplies; tricorders, phasers, isotope containers and beamed down. Tuvok went to one location and Seven and I headed off to another. We had our tricorders out as I trailed behind her.

We went through thick dense foliage, over rocks and stones, passed small streams and brooks to get to the desired location.

My mind was on the mission, it was, but watching her backside view was extremely arousing considering our current affiliation. I know we had been dating for almost a month and we agreed to take it slow, but that didn't stop my mind from fantasizing about being intimate with her.

I couldn't help myself. I had some seriously lascivious thought regarding being alone with her and shook my head in shame. I was on duty. What's gotten into you?

Love. Head over heels, feels like your falling… love.

Returning to my scans, I located a small deposit in the ground that I started to collect.

"Captain, I am detecting large quantities in a nearby cave. Approximately 25 yards."

"Ok, don't be too long." I smiled widely at her. "We have a date tonight."

"Of course not." Seven mocked me playfully.

I continued collecting as I surveyed my surroundings. It was a remarkable planet. The foliage was so green and fresh. The trees were thick and sprouting healthy branches full of multi-colored leaves. There were bushes of all sizes and shapes doting the steep hillside on my right. The mountain air was clean and crisp, reminding me of home in Bloomington, Indiana. I was overcome with a bit of déjà vu until I noticed how much time had lapsed.

It had been over twenty-five minutes and I started thinking Seven should have returned by now.

I started towards her last known position calling out to her.

"I am finished." She responded, quickly coming around a thick bundle of bushes that blocked the view of the entrance to the cave she had been in. She carried two containers full of the element we needed.

"Good work," I said noting her disheveled appearance. Strands of hair had come lose and her biosuit was stained with dirt in numerous places.

"You ok?" I asked looking her over.

"Yes," she replied with a smile. "The cave was exceedingly dirty and small. I had to get on my hands and knees to extract the required amount. As you can see, I succeeded." She held up the containers to show her achievements.

I smirked at her amusement over it all. She certainly was changing.

I hailed Tuvok and inquired on his progress. He informed me that he was finished and he had already beamed back aboard the Flyer.

So I hailed them and asked for a transport out as their earliest convenience.

"I look forward to our date tonight, Kathryn." Seven gave me a heated once over glare before the transporter took us away.

 

*****

 

We rendezvoused with Voyager hours later, to find out that B'Elanna had fixed the warp core and just needed time to load the isotope in the anti-matter reaction chamber and we would be off again, fully mobile.

I wanted to return to Alderus and beam a larger quantity to our back up storage bins.

Praetor Anatul was a kind and fair leader for his province, once you got to know him. We thanked him for his generosity and he thanked us profusely for the tips on how to make warp core engines more efficient. I cringed thinking of the prime directive, but what harm could it do. I just gave him safety tips.

He offered for us to visit his planet and join his people in what I would describe as a Thanksgiving like holiday. I had to decline though, telling him about our long journey and he understood. So we were on our way back to the Alpha Quadrant with enough fuel for months. My ship was healthy. My crew was healthy… And I had a hot date this evening.

For once, everything was right with my universe.

 

*****

 

"Seven," I greeted her happily after she entered my quarters. "I was just about to call you."

"Regarding?" She said always cutting to the point of the conversation.

"I was wondering if you would enjoy a candle light dinner on the holodeck?"

She raised an eyebrow thinking about it before replying. "Could we not have that candle light dinner here in the comfort and serenity of your quarters?"

"I suppose we could, but I can't program a different setting." I said not expecting the suggestion.

"It is not the setting that intrigues me, Kathryn." She said walking smoothly over to me. She brought my hand up to her mouth and bent her lovely lithe neck to kiss the back of it. She gazed at me straight into my flabbergasted eyes.

"You are all I require in any… setting."

Oh, dear, I wasn't going to last long if she kept looking at me like that, but being a Captain I was trained to recover from such things.

I smiled blushing at her. "Thank you, that's very sweet to say."

"It is the truth."

I gave her an alluring look and headed for my small kitchen to prepare the small meal I had planned. "Dinner should only take about 30 minutes."

She grabbed my arm to stop me and I looked at her puzzled. "I am not hungry for food, Kathryn." Her voice was fervid and the sound curled around my stomach sending flutters there.

I gasped at the hidden meaning behind those sultry words, but her mouth came down on mine a moment later in a searing kiss. She pulled me so close to her that I could feel my breasts against her own teasing me. One of her thighs pushed its way in-between my legs to rub invigoratingly against my sex.

What had started as an innocent dinner quickly became a heated encounter of mouths, lips and tongue, which eventually led to my bed.

Overcome with desire and passion, I could not resist her charm and we engaged in a rather intense encounter. It was a bit rough and uncoordinated, but she acted as if she needed me so much that if she didn't have me she would explode. All those feelings over the past month were most likely building finally coalescing into an intense desire to be with me that she couldn't control. I was glad to give it to her and if she wanted it hard and fast, then that's what we would do.

Her mouth found mine numerous times roughly kissing me. She sucked on my nipples until I was practically writhing from soreness. We rocked hips against each other sliding against the slick wetness of our skin before we took turns penetrating each other.

Reaching a glorious climax, she cried out intensely before dropping her weight on me in temporary exhaustion. I was so wrapped up in my own pleasure I hadn't even noticed she rolled off me to gather her breath after our brief but intense session.

Less than fifteen minutes later, we were at it again. Locking lips, hooking hips and pressing pelvises hotly into one another. I got to taste her lovely breasts this time savoring how perfectly formed they were and I got to explore her long elegant body.

I reached the peak first this time after we undulated painfully against one another for what seemed like a joyous eternity. I didn’t care at the time, but I would feel this exertion the next day. It had been so long since I had this much intense lovemaking.

I was surprised at how insatiable she was when we started round three. This time she tasted me with her hot mouth. Her hunger was still very apparent because she sucked and licked me more thoroughly than I had ever been before. I followed suit to give her what she gave me and we both had another wonderful experience. All in all, we made love for hours before we finally stopped, completely saturated with sweat and other bodily fluids.

It was not what I would have expected our first time to be. I thought she would be more timid and that I would have to lead her in the exploration of our bodies, but I couldn't have been more wrong. She was actually the aggressor in this and knew exactly what to do and how to bring me to that exquisite level of pleasure that I had not felt in a long time. I assumed it was all that knowledge of the sexual practices of the thousands of species the Borg assimilated and at the moment I didn't mind one bit.

"Are you hungry?" Seven asked innocently, but I burst out laughing, which she frowned at.

"I fail to see what is so funny."

"It's not you dear, never mind."

"Would you like me to prepare dinner now, Kathryn?"

"At this hour?" I asked, still smirking at the pun. It was after midnight.

"You need to keep your strength up."

"O-kay," I agreed grinning. "Sure."

"You stay here, I will prepare it." Seven said and disappeared from the bedroom to do just that.

We ate dinner in relative silence sharing smiles and looks, before Seven said she had to leave. I thought by her teasing she would being staying the night. I was a bit shocked that she wouldn't and asked why. She said she had to regenerate.

I bid her a fond farewell with kisses until next time.

 

*****

 

Those first two weeks after our initial rendezvous was like a blur. After my duty shift, I came back to my quarters and Seven met me there a half hour later. All during that week we got to know one another's bodies better. Without even realizing it talking became a thing of the past.

As soon as she entered my quarters, we were all over one another.

We couldn't get enough of each other. I would have described us as cats in heat and rabbits in bed if we were animals. Hard and heavy was the way she wanted it and I was along for the ride.

It wasn't particularly loving, but the sex was great and I was so in love with her that it didn’t matter. As a busy Captain too, I didn't have to worry that my not being there for her would be a problem. It worked out for both of us and yet, I felt something was missing. Something intangible that I couldn't even put into words or grasp. Probably my imagination conjuring up irrational fears.

One evening Seven waited for me in my quarters and as soon as I came in the door, she was all over me with a glint in her eye. We ended up on making love on the couch. She screwed me thoroughly before I could get finish getting my uniform completely off.

Then there was the night she pleasured me while against the wall as I curled my legs around her torso. Not the most romantic evening, but it felt good and I was satisfied regardless of how rough or indelicate the act had seemed. Good thing for me I had a dermal regenerator to take care of those cuts, scrapes, bumps and bruises otherwise, the Doctor would have wondered what the hell we were doing to each other.

I have to admit that I let my better judgment get the best of me in one moment of weakness while we were in my Ready Room. I instigated it, so the blame was all mine, not Seven's.

I innocently thought I would only give her a passionate kiss to remind her of what to expect later that evening. I hadn't seen her for three nights due to one emergency or another so when she walked in and handed me a PADD containing efficiency reports, I could see in her eyes the longing and lust.

We held each other's gaze before I wrapped my arms around her to kiss her hard, with my mouth covering hers, lips pressing, teeth gnashing, and tongues sliding…

Then Chakotay entered. I was so involved I didn't hear the chime, twice.

He froze immediately, just passed the door, eyes wide in disbelief, his face pale.

I broke the kiss quickly, "Commander!" I said startled, fixing my uniform. Seven was remarkably calm. Her back was to him so he couldn't see her face. She winked at me and then went to leave as if we did nothing wrong. Technically, we didn't do anything wrong, even by Starfleet regulations, it just wasn't very professional.

"Commander," Seven acknowledged stoically. He turned his face to her and it became red, presumably in anger.

What's this? I questioned to myself.

"I'm sorry, Commander. I didn't hear you chime."

His was very impassive, but still red. His eyes told a different story. He was angry I could tell, but whether at me or Seven or both of us, I wasn't sure.

"Here are the reports you asked for." He handed it to me and turned to leave quickly.

"Chakotay…"

He stopped for a moment, his back to me. It seemed like an eternity. "I have nothing to say to you Kathryn."

I swallowed. I could only hope the rest of the crew did not react like he did or I was in serious trouble. This was NOT good for our working relationship. I would be disappointed as his friend to lose that, but as Captain… God help me, if I've lost his respect.

 

*****

 

The next few days were somewhat nerve racking and uncomfortable for me as Captain. Oh, there were no signs of mutiny or anything, but I could tell the news of my relationship with Seven was spreading quickly by the looks I received in the hallway.

Some crewmembers simply greeted me as before, but most had a look in their eye of uncertainty. I'm not sure what they were concerned about. I wasn't going to treat them any differently.

B'Elanna was the only one who seemed surprised, but didn’t mind. I always wondered if she was attracted to Seven, but she was married now to Tom and had a daughter. I know she wouldn't consider damaging that special union.

Rather, I thought I heard her mumble something to the effect of, "It's about time you two figured it out." Just before I left Engineering one day.

I guess I had to be patient. They would come around. Chakotay would come around. They had to because I was the Captain, in full command of my mental capabilities despite the fact that I was in love with Seven of Nine.

I wasn't going to let petty jealousies keep me from enjoying the limited pleasures I found while stranded out here. I sacrificed everything else to try and get them home, they couldn't expect me to sacrifice her.

 

*****

 

I knew this was coming, so I prepared myself for the barrage as I stood behind my desk in my Ready Room. It had taken him a couple of days to build up the courage to talk to me. Everything he said was mostly curt and to the point. 'yes Captain', or 'no Captain'. Finally, a couple days later, he decided to have it out with me.

"Seven?!" Chakotay spat glaring at me. "Of all the people, you chose Seven?"

"We've been dating for weeks. It's not like this is out of the blue."

He shook his head. "Oh, isn't that why she broke up with me? So she could be with you!?"

"I did NOT have anything to do with your breakup with Seven." I told him, my gaze harsh right back at him.

"For all I know you probably planned this!"

"Don't be absurd!" I rebuked. "You're letting your anger talk now."

"And why the hell shouldn't I be angry?" Chakotay shouted.

"Why didn't you try to change her mind, if you still had feelings for her?!" I asked him strongly.

"It's not Seven I'm concerned with, Kathryn. I'm not in love with her! I'm jealous of her! Damn." He put his hand to his head to cover to his eyes. Was he in pain over this or embarrassed by his admission?

My eyes widened at that. He's in love with me!? "I thought… you still have feelings for ME!?" I was shocked he alluded to it.

"Don't tell me you've never even considered it?" he asked sarcastically.

I stared at him, befuddled. "I… I won't lie to you. I thought about what happened between us on new earth… afterwards."

Chakotay seemed to calm down some. He looked at me intently waiting for my response.

I paced the room gathering my answer. I needed to be clear yet compassionate in my response. Honesty was also essential. "I considered us… briefly."

"However," I continued. "because of our ranks it would have been inappropriate to--."

"And having a relationship with an arrogant ex-Borg isn't?!" He interrupted her.

"Let me finish!"

His face tightened, but he was silent.

"That was my first argument and I let it go at that in the interim. You see Chakotay, I do love you. You're one of my closest friends and I rely on your council, but I realized I was not in love with you. You're more like family. I hope you can understand that."

His eyes shone with something, I couldn’t discern then flickered away.

"How long have you felt this way… about her?"

"I thought I had stopped. I buried it for years and figured I was over it."

I lowered my head, in sympathy. Unrequited love can be so painful. I understood how he felt. I went through all those years pining for Seven knowing I could never love her the way I wanted to and yet, she came to me. It hasn't been perfect, far from it, but I still consider myself blessed with the chance to love her. "I'm sorry, I wish I told you sooner."

"It wouldn't have changed anything."

"Maybe not how you feel, but it certainly would have helped your reaction to it. I would hate to think that I've lost your friendship over this Chakotay, but as Captain I hope this isn't going to affect our--"

"This has nothing to do with our professional relationship, Kathryn!" Chakotay replied perturbed. "Of course, I will still follow any orders you give. I have complete confidence in your ability to lead this starship."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good to know. What about our friendship?"

Chakotay hesitated and I felt like I'd lost my best friend. "I don't know." He said honestly.

I took a few seconds to gather my thoughts before responding. "This is not a fling for me. I love her, Chakotay. I hope you can accept that… eventually."

"I hope so too." He said not committing to anything, but willing to try despite how much this was hurting him. It was all I could really ask for.

 

*****

 

Two days later, I entered my quarters exhausted after a long day of fighting off a rather ungrateful species because we were unknowingly passing through their space. Restricted space. I had politely apologized and told them we would immediately leave as we had only been traveling through that particular area for about three lights years. They were not impressed and demanded we surrender our vessel to the authorities to be tried and sentenced later on.

I couldn't allow that and I tried my hardest to negotiate with them, but in the end we got into a skirmish with us having to high tail it out of there at high warp before reinforcements could arrive.

It took us hours to get out of their space and we had three of their most power warships on our tail. If they could have gone faster than Warp 8, we would have been hard pressed to survive.

After that experience I just wanted to lie down and sleep, but entering my bedroom I saw my lover looking at me with longing and I sighed at how beautiful she looked naked on top of those satiny bed sheets. I took off my boots and left them at the door.

I still managed to smile at her before going into the ensuite to change into my nightgown. Finishing up in there, I plopped my tired bones sinking into the comfort of the mattress. Seven sat up on her left elbow watching me with a hawkish eye. She started tracing a finger along the middle line of my chest, outlining my breasts. She pressed her mouth hotly over my ear, and nibbled on it. She lifted her right thigh over my right one and brushed against me gliding up and down languidly and it was starting to affect me, but I was so out of it physically. Even an orgasm takes some energy to survive, especially with Seven who held nothing back and wasn't the gentlest of lovers.

I didn't mind her touching me. I actually liked it, but I was just too damn tired. I grabbed her probing hand gently. I had to stop her.

"Seven, I'm really tired tonight."

"Tired?" She stared at me absently as if that was an unusual concept.

"Exhausted," I elaborated.

"You don't want sex?"

I sighed heavily. "Not tonight."

"Ah, I see," she had said, but her eyes told a different story. She drew in a breath and questioned me oddly.

"Do you desire me, Kathryn?"

I looked at her befuddled. How could she think otherwise?!

"Of course I do, darling." I reached over and squeezed her hand to reassure her. "I really am very tired. It wouldn't be fair to you. I wouldn't be able to… reciprocate properly."

She searched my eyes. "Very well." She acquiesced, but I was mildly surprised by the coldness in her tone before she turned away from me. I was too exhausted to contemplated it now so I lied back down and drifted off to sleep.

 

*****

 

The next few days brought a potentially seriously problem to my attention. On days I couldn't reciprocate my feelings for Seven, she became more irritated when I refused to have sex.

I admit I was usually very tired after the double shifts, but one evening after getting off early, I wanted to spend some quality time on the holodeck with her to paint in Master Da Vinci's studio, but she refused saying it was a waste of time. She wanted to go back to my quarters. I didn't have to guess at what she wanted.

She had lost patience it seemed with the things we used to do together the last couple of weeks and I didn't appreciate her having to leave so soon after we were intimate every night saying she had to regenerate. I didn't question her on it, but I knew she didn't have to regenerate every night.

I myself became somewhat detached and unsettled about our relationship, which was fast becoming shallow at best compared to how we started out. I smirked realizing the only thing that was ok was the sex.

So the next evening, as I sat on my sofa in my quarters contemplating all this while drinking some lukewarm coffee, I decided a serious talk was in order with Seven.

My duty shift had just ended and I waited for Seven to arrive as usually. She was never late. As soon as Seven arrived for our nightly rendezvous, I would explain my… no our problems.

As soon as she walked through the doors, I spoke with her before she was all over me intimately. "We need to talk, Seven."

She stood at attention and linked her hands behind her back. "In regards to?"

"Us," I said seriously standing up so I didn't have to crane my neck.

"Proceed."

"You don't act like you want a long-term relationship. It seems that all you want from me is sex."

Her implant brow rose sharply at my words. "Is that what is bothering you? That we are having too much sex?" She asked almost humorously if I didn’t know her better.

"I enjoy physical intimacy as much as the next person, but I also require conversation, quality time spent together, doing things as a couple. This is what constitutes a relationship."

"We agreed to keep a low profile." She countered.

"Yes, but not now. The senior staff already knows and I don't plan on hiding what I feel for you."

"What exactly do you require of me, Kathryn?"

The way she asked the question caught me off guard. "I want things to be the way they used to be when we first started dating. I want us to talk. I--"

"When I tell you about my day," she said interrupting me. "You do not like my answers."

"You always say the same things and you're answers are rather cryptic."

"Would you prefer I reiterate my entire schedule for you in detail?"

"It's so much more than that and you know it!" I said starting to pace the room. "It's your attitude. You don’t want to spend time on the holodeck painting or even playing Velocity any more."

"Pointless activities when we could be doing something more… enjoyable." Seven said lifting her metal covered eyebrow suggestively.

I stopped my pacing to glance a look at her. "A successful relationship is more than just sex, Seven."

"If you wish to end our affiliation Kathryn, just say so." Anger crept into her voice and I was miffed at how she managed to turn this into my fault. I walked up to her meeting her perturbed gaze.

"That's not what I want!" I said spat out tensely. "but whether you realize it or not you've changed." I ran my hand through my hair absently. "Maybe we do need some space to sort all this out." I mumbled out loud. She took it literally.

"As you wish… Captain." She said stressing my title acerbically.

Her gaze was unflinching, which surprised me, but what hurt the most was that it looked emotionless as if this had little impact on her. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest knowing it to be sorrow, but I held my countenance firmly.

"Permission to be dismissed." She asked me. She knew she didn't need permission to leave my quarters. She was an equal here, my lover at this time of the day. She did that on purpose.

"I'm your partner, not your Captain right now. You don't need permission. You can leave any time you want." I made that clear on purpose in my agitation.

She bowed her head to me almost in a mockingly manner. "Good night, Captain." She said and swiftly left my quarters.

That went well! I chastised myself.

 

***** (3rd Person POV)

 

Seven roamed the hallways with a glazed over look full of anger in her eyes. She stopped before the entrance, considering her actions. It didn't take long. She keyed the chime.

"Seven?!" He was completely flabbergasted when Seven entered his quarters.

"Are you busy, Lt.?"

"Ah.. Um… No," he stuttered.

"I find myself… unsettled." Seven started.

"Oh," he said, nervous.

"I still have thoughts regarding our… dating experience."

"You--you do?!" Lt. Chapman swallowed.

"Yes, I still think of you."

"Really?" he said, in a tone that suggested he found that difficult to believe.

"Yes," she said moving into his personal space. She looked at him checking him out, up and down making sure he noticed.

Lt. Chapman became very stiff and flushed visibly.

"Is… ah… there something… I..ah.. I can do… um for you?" he asked, but he had a good idea what she wanted.

"Yes," She kissed him then thoroughly, but he was too shocked to respond properly. This was the glorious Seven of Nine who was kissing him. She was so beautiful, yet after his first date with her, he knew she was not for him. Despite, the fantasies he had about being with her. Chapman was under no illusion that she could love him.

He reached up to grip her arms and coaxed her back effectively breaking the kiss. "Seven! I appreciate this, but I… I can't…"

Her face became stoic once more and hard, making him flinch so he let go of her arms. He knew how strong she was and after that first date, he admitted he was intimidated by both her beauty and strength of will.

"Why? Do you not desire me?" She asked.

"Well, of course, but it's just that… it would be inappropriate."

Her gaze hardened some more. "Make no mistake, Lt. I am not offering you anything beyond this moment and I do not expect anything in return. I am simply asking you if you wish to partake in sex, an act that will lead to our mutual enjoyment."

"I.. ah… I don’t… err think this is a good idea, Seven." He said, scared for some reason, but not willing to back down. It didn’t seem right.

"Very well." Seven turned quickly to leave, but stopped at his door. "I strongly suggest you mention this to no one. I value my privacy and would be… angered if that were violated. Do you understand?"

"Yes, com... completely." He said watching her exit, but by her dark gaze he thought it was more a threat than a suggestion. Strange behavior even for her, but he would not speculate on it and simply comply with her wish and forget it ever happened. He was very good at keeping things quiet. It was normal for him.

What he didn't count on was a fellow officer and friend who walked around a corner and moved back quickly out of sight as she left Chapman's quarters. It was 23:00 hours, the man mused to himself. What in god's name would Seven be doing in Chapman's quarters at this hour? She was more than rumored to be dating the Captain! They were supposed to be an item. What indeed?

 

*****

 

It was evening when I entered my quarters and I knew I was not alone. It had been five days since she had been in my quarters. Seven was leaning against the wall gazing at me with lust fill eyes. She had her arms folded across her chest in an arrogant posture.

"What are you doing here, Seven?"

"Why do you deny me, Kathryn?"

I sighed, "We both agreed that we needed space. I don't think you're ready for a full-fledged relationship, Seven." I said acerbically. "You think a relationship consists of one continuous sex romp!"

She took great exception to that, by rushing over to me and glaring dangerously into my eyes. Startled, I took a natural step back to put some space between us. I wasn't intimidated by her mood, but her proximity still affected me physically. I was by no means over her. I still pined for her.

"I don't what?!" she said in a low tone, moving closer to me, only inches away.

"You heard me." I said quietly, stepping back until my backside was against the wall. Now I did start to feel a little threatened by her hovering over me. I was not fearful of her harming me, but I felt cornered and I don't like my freedom being constricted in any way.

"Is that why you don't want me any longer, because I have not acquired enough human experience to be what you require of me? Because I am not romantic enough for you?" Her eyes softened then. I couldn’t tell if she meant her words sincerely or was trying to get me into bed again. Would that really be so bad after five days without? I thought to myself, shaking my head.

"Seven, I'm tired, ok. Can't we have this conversation another time?" I went to move and she brought her right arm up, palm out to rest flatly against the wall, thus blocking my way.

"I deserve an answer Kathryn." She said angrily. "You have been my guide since I began my quest to regain my humanity. Are you now afraid to guide me because I have reached a plateau?"

I squinted my eyes at her, suddenly uncertain if what I did was the right thing. Could it be that she doesn't know how to be what I need from her? "You've never mentioned this before."

"It is difficult for me to put into words, but…" She conceded.

"But what?" I said looking gently into her clouded eyes.

"After going through the last five days without your company, I experienced pain, I was unaccustomed to. A deep throbbing that would not go away. Did you experience this?" she asked sadly removing her arm from my path and backing away. Her aggression turned to controlled sadness as she waited for my reply.

"Yes," I choked out. "I experienced something very similar."

Seven swallowed, thinking. "I caused you pain."

"No," I said flinching. "We misunderstood what each other wanted, I…"

"You don't have to explain." She said quickly her eyes looking wounded. "I am sorry for not being what you need, Kathryn." Guilt washed over me then I saw her move to leave.

I gripped her arm before she could. "Wait," I said gently. I rubbed her arm with my thumb in small circles. She glanced at me. Was that hope or expectation in her eyes? "Perhaps, I was a little hasty in judging you. I didn't know you were struggling with certain aspects of our relationship, but now that I do, we can work on it. I… I'm willing to try again, Seven. I still love you. I never stopped."

She smiled then, widely. I grinned back at her. "I am… pleased to hear that, Kathryn." She said.

I let out a breath I was holding in relief. I stroked her face, with my finger. I adored that smile. She gave it so rarely lately. I watched the smile slowly leave her face and look intently at me. Her breathing increased as I trailed the tip down her cheek then across her chin passed the dimple there. Her gaze intensified. I caressed her lower lip with my finger tracing it, feeling the texture, soft and subtle. Her lips parted, I could tell I was deeply affecting her. Her chest heaved quite frequently, her breasts expanding beautifully and I could almost hear them calling to be released from the constricting biosuit. I was seriously aroused. I could feel her breath on my finger. I liked sensual moments like this. It was the only time we were slow and composed, but I believed that would come to us eventually. Our relationship was so new, I figured it just needed to be this way for now.

"Kathryn?" she said thickly. "Do you want me to leave now?" Personally, I didn't think she really wanted to leave, more over, I think she was trying to warn me that if I kept this up she would be hard pressed not to take me right here. Did I actually blame her for wanting too much sex?! What the hell was I thinking?! Oh, I wanted her!

"No," I said firmly and her eyes widened before I pulled her close with a seductive glare. "I need you right now."

Suddenly my hands cupped her face and I opened my mouth in anticipation feeling her breath expel in my mouth before I covered her lips hungrily. God, I had missed her!

She wasted no time responding, most likely she was just waiting for my permission. I was the aggressor this time devouring her mouth like no tomorrow. She pressed her firm body against mine pinning me against the wall.

She rubbed her thigh up and down my sex making me squirm in delight. I was still in my uniform, but it was driving me crazy. I wrapped my legs around her torso and she reached down to grip my buttocks. She kissed me hard and I flung my arms around her still undulating our hips together.

"The bedroom…" I whispered in her ear because I knew we wouldn't make it if we progressed much farther.

"Yesssss." She drawled out between wet kisses and carried me there. We fell onto the bed and I peeled off her biosuit hastily, tasting her skin as I did so. Her skin was flushed and warm. She assisted me in removing my uniform. First my red jacket came off, then my grey tunic and finally my pants and shoes were all tossed haphazardly landing wherever. That task accomplished, I rolled her over so I could be on top of her. Amazing how just a few days apart from a lover could make you want it so much more.

I cupped her sex, stroking it vigorously with my index finger. She gasped into my mouth as I was about to kiss her and I caught her tongue with my own striking it repeatedly before she could recover.

I felt her hand grasp my breast and pinch my nipple, hard, but not painful. Meanwhile, our hips had a life of their own, but I knew all this grinding wouldn't give her or me the over the top explosions we needed after our extended temporary abstinence.

I brushed the apex of her clit and she growled at me, a deep throaty purr. She was always in such a hurry.

"Tell me how much you want me." I teased her, which is something I rarely do. I think I was giving her a taste of her own aggression for a change.

Her nose flared and her eyes held my with an intensity almost animalistic. "I want you!"

"Yesss," I breathed on her neck nipping. "but how much?"

"More than anything!"

I grinned and penetrated her quickly with two digits, moving inside deeply. I latched my teeth onto her areolas biting gently as I lunged inside her. It drove her crazy. She arched her back on me pushing the breast further into my mouth almost causing me to gag. I didn't mind, really. I loved it. Oh so juicy. I couldn't get enough of them.

I was a bit shocked when I felt her fingers push into me at the same time, but since I wasn't completely on top of her, it was plausible. I had one thigh between her bent one at the knee giving her access. With her free hand she reached up and pulled my head down to hers, kissing me hard, forcing my lips to part and slapping my wet tongue with her own, as she probed with her fingers inside of my wet walls.

After a few moments, we developed an erotic rhythm moving to each other motions. As I withdrew from her, she drove in to me, never letting up on the sensually rough kiss either. We rocked together nicely in synch creating a heated mass of moving flesh. My bed was creaking from the strain. What can I say, Seven weighed a lot with all those Borg implants and we were working the mattress a lot the last couple of weeks.

When she came, she spasmed hard against me and literally screamed her pleasure into my mouth. I followed suit, howling her name in abandon as the swells exploded in me gushing out my liquid to mix generously with hers. If one of us was male, we'd certainly have a pregnancy with all the hard work we were doing lately.

As it was, I couldn't hold my weight up any longer as we quivered and quavered in each other’s arms.

"That was wonderful." She said and I was glad. She rarely talked after sex.

"Yes," was all I could manage before I fell asleep right there on top of her.

 

***** (3rd Person POV)

 

Seven entered the Mess Hall and ordered supplement #32. She wasn't particularly fond of them, but they were nutritionally sound and better tasting than many of Neelix's creations. Seven wondered why he couldn't learn to cook with something other than Leola root, before squashing the thought as a waste of her time.

She sat at the corner table preferring to be alone while perusing a PADD. She heard the combined voices of the other officers' small talk and tried to tune it out until her name floated to her on the hushed voices of one of those officers.

She became very still and concentrated intently on focusing on those voices alone. She had stopped reading her PADD and only held it up to disguise her true intent, which was to eavesdrop on their conversation.

Focusing, she heard the voice of Ensign Mulcahy talking to Lt. Chapman. She concentrated on only their voices.

"I know what I saw."

"You're mistaken."

"I saw her leaving your quarters one evening… It was very late."

"I assure you… nothing happened."

"That's what they all say."

"You're imagining things."

"Do you deny she was there?"

"No,"

"Now I know something's going on!" The timbre of Mulcahy's voice changed.

"I have done nothing wrong!"

"What are you nuts? Everybody knows she screwing the Captain. They're an item, man!"

"Shh, keep your voice down." Chapman responded nervously. "You're exaggerating. That can't be true!"

"No, I'm not. It's more than a rumor. They act different together, spend more time with each other and Seven's got that ya know… glow that she never had before. I bet she's getting it good. Who would've thought the Captain had it in her to tame THAT Borg!" Seven heard his muffled laughter and stood up swiftly.

This had to stop!

She approached their table and stood rigidly before them.

"Ensign Mulcahy, Lt. Chapman." She greeted seriously.

Mulcahy practically knocked himself over almost jumping out of his chair at the sound of her voice.

Chapman wasn't so lucky having been right in the middle of drinking. He struggled to swallow most of it, choking spastically, some of it dribbling down the sides of his chin as he gathered his composure.

"Did you finish those reports I requested the other evening?"

He stared at her totally dumbfounded for awhile as he struggled to clear his throat. That gave him time to realize, she was offering him a way out, a cover for her obviously lack of control that evening or whatever reason she did that. He played along. It couldn't be any worse than what they already thought. God if that ever got back to the Captain!?

"No," He swallowed his fear. "It was late, I didn't get a chance."

"Very well." Seven said. "I take it you will contact me when you have finished them?"

"Uh, yes. Absolutely." He babbled. Mulcahy was wide eyed as he realized his mistake.

"Acceptable." Seven said, nodding to them and leaving before she damaged the one called Mulcahy.

She was sorely tempted to rip him limb from limb, but she also knew that would destroy her status on the ship. Control, she needed to focus.

Obviously what she did that night was too dangerous to repeat. Gossip tended to spread like wild fire on this ship. She would have to remember that. At least for now, she was back in the good graces of her Captain so hopefully she wouldn't have to stray.

 

*****

 

"I wish to try something, Kathryn. Would you mind?"

"Depends," I said lying on my queen-sized bed waiting for her to come over.

"I replicated a device that is supposed to enhance sexual pleasure. I wish to give you more pleasure, Kathryn." She smiled, one I would have considered wickedly sinister if not coming from Seven. As if we didn't have enough!! I thought shocked, but I was touched by her thoughtfulness.

"Ok," I said intrigued. "How's it work?"

"You will see." Was all she said, but I noticed she had her hands behind her back. "Lights low." She commanded and the lights became very dim.

I watched her shadow from the starlight. I could tell she was taking off her biosuit, but after that I couldn't tell what she was doing. Then I saw her approach and she kneeled in front of me on the bed. She parted my legs and bent my knees granting her greater access to my private parts.

"Seven?" I asked uncertain.

"Don't worry, you will enjoy this."

I was intrigued, until I felt something very thick penetrate me. "Oh God!" I shouted and she moaned deeply.

I knew what it was at that moment. It was one of those pleasure devices that can send impulses of sensation from the phallus to the wearer's sex during intercourse, thus acting as if it was an extension of your own body.

This I didn't expect and I don't think I've ever been filled quite that much. It was rather painfully thick, and somewhat intrusive. Besides, I knew how vigorous she got and with that monstrosity inside me, it could cause problems despite how pleasurable it might have been if a little smaller.

"Sev--hmmff." She covered my mouth hungrily as I tried to speak. I couldn't tell her to lower the size of it and Seven never built up to a good rhythm slowly. She usually went from impulse to warp drive quickly in her efforts to achieve an orgasm.

Immensely distracted, I involuntarily kissed her back before I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed to get her attention. She didn't understand the signal and grasped my hands with both of hers intertwining her fingers around them and holding them in a vice-like grip.

Her full body weight was on top of mine, thus effecting my ability to breath evenly. So when she broke the kiss, to let out a loud groan as she thrusted into me, I could barely catch my breath, let alone speak. Thankfully, her body arched and shifted doing the movement of her lunging hips.

"Feeeellls sooo gooood…" I heard her groan out. My overfilled center lubricated itself in response to that statement even as my mind cringed.

Apprehension coursed through me as my body was being battered with equal amounts of pain and pleasure. I closed my eyes hoping she would reach climax sooner than later.

"Please…" I spluttered out, but she couldn't hear me between her grunting and the motioning of her hips that drove that replicated penis into me. She must have set the sensations too high to be so distracted.

What did this say about her love for me? Was it all about the sensations and not the emotions for her? Does she think she loves me, but in actuality only wants the satisfaction that comes with a physical relationship? How could she be so unaware of what I was feeling!? This was not making love, this was just sex only for the sake of her pleasure. Where was the joy of the joining? The emotional impact in sharing that love? Maybe Seven wasn't ready for this type of relationship. Maybe she was too new to intimacy understand mutual needs.

I fought to open my eyes and the sight of her caused my heart to fall. She was so animalistic. Her teeth were barred as she drove inside me. Sweat dripped off her forehead and then I realized we were both soaked from the exertion. I concentrated on the pleasurable aspects of it and how much I loved Seven despite her carelessness as this act should have been our mutual pleasure.

Since I was well lubricated by now, the pain wasn't as intense at first, but there was still a dull ache along with the pleasant sensations of the shaft oscillating inside me. However, I could feel the swells building inside me stretching to reach that pinnacle causing me to think incoherently while hovering on the brink of euphoria and pain, my entire body inflamed and aching from both need and release. I hadn't even realized that I was rocking my hips up to meet her thrusts and I wonder how long I had been doing that. I wrapped my legs around her bucking torso without intending to.

"Sen…sation… soo… in…tense!… " she squawked in ecstasy.

That statement sent me over the edge. Suddenly, All cognizant thought left me as my body tightened, the walls of my clit constricted and pulsed. A stab of pain coursed through me as my already stretched walls spasmed and an overwhelmingly strong orgasm hit me. An interesting conflict of sensations to say the least and I could not help myself when I cried loudly out in release.

I reopened my eyes after my body stopped quivering and quaking. I could tell she was close to achieving her goal with the sudden increase of her thrusts. They became frantic and rapid, her pelvic firing deep into me until with a final heave, she threw her head back hard and came. Her hair flung over her along with perspiration. She arched her back, letting out a primal roar, then convulsed violently on top of me.

A powerful one, I could tell as she yelled out her climax, her face contorted as if in pain, but her mouth was open sucking in air while she spasmed through her turbulent release. Finally, she slumped heavily down on top of me exhausted.

"Ooooff!" I said exhaling air uncomfortably as her weight slammed into me. Damn!

Her grip on my hands loosened considerably, but she didn't pull out of me as she heaved for air on top of me. I was hoping the object would shrink up like a normal penis would after being satisfied and I wasn't disappointed.

I jumped off her when I had the first opportunity. "What the hell's a matter with you!!" I spat out.

"Kathryn?!" She questioned with an innocent flushed face. Now that it was over I was rather livid.

"I tried to tell you to stop!!"

"What!?" She said leaning on her elbows looking at me intensely. "I do not understand. When did try to stop me?"

"When you started and after you kissed me!"

"I don't recall that." She remarked. "You did not try very hard."

"It hurt, Seven!" I yelled clenching my fists. "How could you not be aware of that!?"

"How am I supposed to know what you are feeling when I am distracted trying to pleasure you!" Seven countered.

"I… "

"Did I injury you?" Seven asked.

"No, but--"

I stopped speaking when I saw her gasp after her eyes shifted lower and opened widely as I guessed she was looking at my legs.

I followed her gaze and couldn't believe what I saw. Blood trickled down my thighs. It wasn't a lot, but it proved that she did injury me and took no notice at the time it was happening, the time we were supposed to be making love instead of just having sex.

When I saw her face during those intimate moments, she was so wrapped up in her own pleasure, she didn't even notice my discomfort. Should I have expected her to? Was it partially my fault? I wonder now why I did not try harder to stop her. I should've been more forceful or could I have?

It was a heart wrenching moment for me. I just didn't know what to think and that confusion hurt more than the physical pain. It was another sign that something wasn't right about us. That something wasn't right with her!

"How could you!?" I blurted out in my emotional pain and now that it was over I felt a bit violated.

Shocked, Seven stood up quickly, stared at me with wide eyes before shaking her head and reaching for her biosuit. She ripped the pleasure device from her waist snapping the belt that fastened it and tossed it on the bed. She got dressed faster than I would have thought possible, fixed her damp hair, grabbed the pleasure device, threw it in the replicator to be recycled and left my quarters without another word.

"Fuck!" I lashed out verbally. Heartbroken at the turn of events, I solemnly went to my ensuite to heal my injury. How could I be so in love with someone who didn't understand the meaning of gentleness?!

What was I going to do?!

 

*****

 

I didn't waste any time the next day. I got up early, a half-hour before the alpha shift began. Finishing my ablutions, I inquired to the compute as the whereabouts of Seven and went to Cargo bay two.

I sturdied my resolve before I walked through the bay doors. I found her at her terminal. She did not look up to see who it was or acknowledge that anybody had even entered, but she knew it was me, I'm certain.

Her face hardened as I approached and became tinted with red.

"Seven."

"Captain," she replied, addressing me formally.

"I've come to discuss a personal matter and I want your full attention."

She glanced up then and stopped her work. Good, I had her full attention now.

As traumatic as the previous evening was, I had to explain things properly to Seven without anger. "Do you understand why last night was inappropriate?"

"Inappropriate?" She repeated.

"Yes, you didn't stop to consider my feelings?"

She raised an eyebrow to that. "We have never stopped once at that stage in all twenty-two encounters and you've never experience anything other than pleasure. I was not aware you were having any adverse effects to our coupling." She stated clinically.

Twenty-two encounters!? Seemed a heck of a lot more than that. She must have been referring to evenings.

I tensed. "That's because you had your eyes closed the entire time and you were so wrapped up in your own enjoyment you didn't even consider mine!"

"Are you saying you did not enjoy it Kathryn, at all?"

How in the hell did she always manage to turn the conversation on me in a way that suggested I was misinterpreting what happened.

"There was some enjoyment, but it was uncomfortable. I felt smothered." I admitted, not one to lie.

She seemed too pleased with my answer. "Is that not was sex is about, enjoyment." She defended to my dismay.

I stepped in closer to the terminal that separated us. "Do you truly realize what you've done?"

"Yes, you stated I hurt you." She said looking away. "I was not aware of that at the time. Upon further analysis, I realized I had made a mistake. I am… sorry."

I didn't really notice her apology, because I was still irked and it didn't seem all that sincere to me, but it could have been my anger clouding my judgment too. "Yes, there's that, but there's more. There's the trust aspect of it."

"Trust?"

"Yes," I said. This next part was hard to admit, but I had no choice. She had to understand. "I almost felt like I was being violated last night."

"I'd never do that." She said adamantly, jutting her chin out.

"I didn't say you would, but never the less, it's how I felt."

"I see."

Do you? I doubted it.

"I don't think you do, but it doesn't matter--."

"What does this mean?" She asked tentatively cutting me off.

"I'm not sure, to be honest, but I think we need time to sort this out."

Her face became harsh. Obviously that wasn't what she wanted to hear. "Once again, you are going to punish me for my lack of human insight."

"I'm not punishing you. I just don't feel you're ready for this type of a relationship, Seven."

"Your reasoning is flawed. You are basing our relationship on a single unfortunate act instead of considering the 68 times we have made love and you, were completely satisfied."

I flushed. 68 times? She must be counting the multiple sessions in the same night to have reached that conclusion. Then it hit me, I forgot about her eidetic memory. It was typical of her to discount my concerns so easily by utilizing facts and numbers. I know she apologized for what happened, but I would have preferred a more emotional response. It didn't seem to affect her much emotionally that she had hurt me and I felt it should have. She should have been more concerned than this. How many times did I use my dermal regenerator, for cuts and bruises? More times than I can count. She didn't even realize every argument she had was routed around sex. What about love, dammit?!

"You need time, Seven. You're too immature." I said sticking to my plan. I needed space, while she matured. I just hoped she would.

A shadow crossed the young woman's face and the anger was intense. She visibly struggled to keep it in place.

"I assure you… I am NOT immature and it is YOU that needs time, not I." She imposed to me with resentment.

I softened my tone despite the acid in her voice and gazed at her console. "This doesn't change how I feel about you. I still love you… It's just that I not sure if I can trust you with regards to safe sex."

"Perhaps, love is overrated, Kathryn," She said angrily. Her eyes bore into mine. I stared at her immobilized in my stupor over her harsh words. My glistening eyes wide open.

"I'm tired of fighting with you, Kathryn. If you do not want my affectations, fine. If you will not give me what I need, then I will find it elsewhere." She then went right back to work signally to me our talk was concluded.

I gawked at her like a confused child. She was purposely trying to hurt me with that statement and it worked. I felt jealous already. Was this the price of passion for me? To love a drone that didn't understand how to love back the way it was supposed to be? Would she ever be able to?

As I gazed at her face, which was stoic and impassive, I felt a sudden stabbing sensation in my chest and knew it to be fear, grief and frustration all rolled up into one.

I reluctantly turned and tried to leave with courage, but I’m sure my shoulders slumped as I left the cargo bay distraught.

 

*****

 

A few days later, I was called to the Bridge with a species who actually wanted to talk to me first before firing.

"Are you the leader of your vessel?" The large green skinned man asked me.

"Yes, I'm Captain Janeway of the starship Voyager."

"This is a friendly warning. We're detecting a strange energy signature onboard your vessel. Do you require assistance to annihilate this threat?"

Seven was at the Ops console looking ahead intently.

"I'm don't understand." I gestured with my hand.

"I can pinpoint the location. It seems to be coming from your--"

Mortified at the fire ball explosion that engulfed the ship before me, I went instantly into Command mode. "What the hell happened?"

I glanced around the bridge looking from officer to officer.

"Captain," Tuvok said, his eyes looking mystified. "Apparently, a photon torpedo was fired from Voyager."

"What?!" I breathed out exasperated. "You didn't fire it?"

"No,"

"Then who fired?!" My eyes landed on Tuvok.

"Unknown."

My jaw set rigidly in my face.

"Tuvok, my Ready Room, now."

 

*****

 

"I want to know what the hell just happened!" I rose my voice as soon as the doors slid shut to my Ready Room. My dark eyes drifted to Tuvok.

"Our systems have been reconfigured. I cannot locate where the torpedo was fired upon nor whom fired it."

"That's not good enough, Mr. Tuvok. I need to know who did this and soon so it doesn't happen again!" I took in a deep breath. "How did that ship not know we were firing? Their shields were down! Why couldn't they detect it until it was too late?"

"Valid questions."

"I need answers! Who could have pulled it off?" I asked sharply. "Who could have reconfigured our systems to fire without a trace?!"

Tuvok thought about it carefully. "On such short notice, I would suggest Lt. Torres, Seven of Nine, and myself, would be the primary suspects." I stared at him. "However, I would not discount, Ensign Kim, Mortimer Harrison or you, Captain."

"Me?" I said somewhat insulted.

"Based on intelligent, ability and cunning, I have to consider all the facts."

I sighed. He was right of course.

"Investigate this Commander." I ordered. "I want to know who did this?"

 

*****

 

One day later, I found myself headed to Cargo Bay Two with a heavy heart. What I was about to do wasn't exactly regulation, but necessary. Six of us had the ability to pull off this deception and I needed to find out who. All the medical evaluations of the suspects checked out, but Seven had changed in the passed month and it took a battering from my first officer and Tuvok before I would consider that. We had to consider her the most likely and capable suspect, despite my relationship with her.

We had no hard evidence that she fired on that ship. We could find nothing. Every terminal was checked thoroughly. The wiring, the program, any rerouting of circuits, no trace was found of any tampering or of who could have fired that photon torpedo and from where.

So here I was, implementing a plan that I hoped would flush out the guilty party or at least deter them, but it had its risks.

"Seven."

"Captain," she greeted formally. She stopped the work at her computer and gave me her full attention.

"I need you to tell me you didn't fire on that ship." I said in full command mode.

She regarded me speculatively. "I did not."

I nodded acceptance of that, giving no indication that I was still not convinced. I still had work to do. "This is what I've decided to do. There are currently six people onboard this vessel that I, Tuvok and Chakotay agree on, have the ability to disguise this kind of an attack.

"I am one of them." She stated, not a question.

"So am I." I informed her. "So, since we have no evidence on who, I see no alternative than to have the six of us partner up until one of us makes a mistake."

Her face tightened. "That is an illogical plan, Captain."

"Why would you say that?" I said leaning on the console.

"Because whoever the guilty party partners up with will be in danger from that individual." Perhaps Seven wasn't as naïve as I thought and she did care, in her own way. God, I hoped it wasn't her.

"You're right, but I see no other way." Her eyes darted around the room. Was that concern for me or fear of being caught? I simply had no way of knowing. Either way, I was going to give her a choice.

"It means that no one will be alone at any time during the course of the day. I will be monitoring your activities and you will be monitoring mine. You can choose who you would prefer." I said and gave her the list of suspects.

"I would choose you of course."

"As long as you realize this is a strictly profession collaboration." I wanted her to know there would be no intimacy. Her brows rose to that. She understood.

"It will require an adjustment of our schedules. Do you have a shift preference?"

"No."

"Good, I'll be splitting my shift with Commander Chakotay. You will be on the bridge with me at that time. After four hours, I will go with you to Astrometrics so you can do your duties there. We will also have to figure out a cycle of when you should regenerate so I can get some sleep. If there is an emergency on the bridge you will accompany me there unless ordered by myself or Chakotay to do otherwise. I want you to meet me in my quarters in an hour to discuss the final details. Understood?"

I could swear I saw amusement flash in her eyes.

"Yes."

I straightened my uniform and left.

 

*****

 

I was studying a PADD that Chakotay had downloaded for me regarding Tuvok's security update. One thing stuck out as odd. What did it mean if anything?

I was lying down on my lounger as Seven worked at my desk station this evening. I hadn't found anything until I stumbled upon this new data.

"Interesting," I mumbled. Seven tilted her head glancing at me. Ah, such good hearing.

"I was wondering," I started. "Why haven't you made any personal logs for almost four weeks?"

"You are reading my personal logs?" Her eyes stared into mine. I saw seriousness not anger… yet, but she avoided an answer.

"I didn't read them. I'm not sure we could even decode them. I was just wondering why you've made a personal log almost every day since you've been onboard this vessel and then 26 days ago you stopped."

Now I saw anger flash across her beautiful features, but she covered it quickly pretending to go back to work at my console. "I didn't see the need for it anymore. It serves no ultimate purpose as I have an eidetic memory."

I meditated on her reply. "It took you four and a half years to come to that conclusion." I said knowing I could be starting an argument. I think deep down I wanted one. Having her so close for these last few days and not being able to touch her was distracting and I swore I saw intense lust in her eyes every now and then.

"Why are you questioning me on this, Kathryn. If you suspect me of something just come out and say it." She said and slammed my terminal cover down.

I take it the anger was back. I put the PADD down and folded my arms. I would not be intimidated by her mood swings.

"I really don't know if I suspect you or not. It just seems like odd behavior to me."

"Odd behavior?!" she echoed, her ire was growing. She stood up and covered the distance to me quickly to stand before me. Chest heaving, face drawn, arms at her sides, fists clenched. I was getting it all today as she hovered over me.

"What is this really about, Kathryn?!"

I stuck to my guns and glanced at the PADD I had set down on the glass table next to my lounger. "It's about why you haven't made a personal log in over 26 days?"

I said it evenly with no emotion. I was trying to bait her into what I didn’t know. The truth? I didn't even know what that was anymore.

She grimaced and slammed her mesh hand into the PADD crushing it as it went through the glass table, which was shattering at the force of the blow.

I jumped off my lounger away from the bits of glass that flew around. This old lady could still move when she had to.

When I had spun around to see Seven's reaction, she was red faced and staring at the damage she had done. Why I didn't call security at that moment I don't know. Perhaps it was the regret I saw in her face or the frustration.

I said nothing and gave her a few moments to compose herself. After all if she started to destroy my quarters I would have call security.

"I have nothing personal to say anymore." She said tensely.

"I see," I understood a bit more now that she told me. "What changed?" I asked delicately. I thought back to that date. Nothing spectacular happened. Her last log was written the evening before a routine excursion to a planet. Seven had gone down with myself and a small away team to acquire some much needed dilithium. That was it. It had to be afterwards. Reflecting on it some more, I imagined a possible reason. A few days later, we were intimate for the first time. "Was it regarding us?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes," I said quietly.

"I felt the information too personal to put in the logs, Kathryn. Too private."

"I understand. I'm sorry I pried, but I had to."

"No," Seven said turning her yielding eyes on me. "You do not understand. I have never felt intimacy before… us. Before that, I did not miss it because I never had it. Suddenly to be shown such emotion, such pleasure. I wanted more. It was overwhelming. So many feelings and so many regrets at what the Borg had cost me. It was disconcerting. I wanted to feel more to make up for what I had lost and to forget what I had been."

I frowned at her obvious discomfort.

"As 'we' progressed I became more needful more desperate to drown out the voices of the past and I became fearful of needing you to much. I still do not know how to be human and now I was in a full fledged partnership."

I felt tears sting my eyes. "I'm sorry."

"I know, so am I."

"Maybe if I had taken things slower…"

"I don’t think it would have mattered. You can't rush such things, Kathryn."

"I…"

"No, it is done." She proceeded to clean up the mess throwing the shattered pieces into the replicator to be recycled as energy. "I will replace your table at my expense, Captain." She said and returned to my work desk.

"Know this," she added after sitting down. "I know I have hurt you and I can't promise you I won't in the future… but I will always desire you, Kathryn. I will always want you." Then she opened my terminal and went back to work.

I blinked furiously to dispel the remaining tears, but now my heart wanted to burst. Through all her faults and mistakes she admitted to still wanting me. Was that an indication of love? She had never verbalized it before. Had never actually said the words.

"Do you… " I hesitated. "love me?"

She looked up, her face serious, passive. "I believe so… as much as I understand the emotion." The statement warmed my heart.

 

*****

 

It had been three days of me having to spend all twenty-four hours in close proximity to Seven and no new information came to light on the saboteur. I didn't watch everything she did but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Having to spend all this time close to her but not being able to touch her was harrowing to say the least.

"Kathryn?" Seven called out and I knew something was wrong from her tone. "I cannot do this anymore."

It was late at night and time for bed. "We still haven't figured out which one of the six of us caused that torpedo to fire, Seven."

"I was not referring to that. I'm talking about this."

I put my book down on the nightstand. "Your referring to us, aren't you?"

"Yes, I desire you… so much. It's hard to sleep next to you and not be able to touch you. How can you do it so easily?"

"I never said it was easy." I said calling on my Starfleet training. "But it's necessary."

"Why?"

"Seven," I said. "We don't need to go there now. Let's get some sleep, ok?"

She crawled into bed next to me and then jumped on top of me, straddling my stomach.

I looked at her grimly as my body responded. I was becoming aroused.

"Don't you desire me, Kathryn?" She leaned over and came to within inches of my face. I was waiting to see how far she'd take this.

She pressed her hips into mine so I could feel her heat against my genitals. It was tempting, but did I trust her enough for this?

"I want you, Kathryn." She kissed me hungrily when I said nothing. I did not protest. I felt her tongue push into my mouth feasting on me. It was odd for a moment as I really felt like she was consuming me body and soul.

Groaning to the pleasure, I lost my reserve then and kissed her back fighting her tongue avidly. Her tongue battled mine inside my mouth. It was like she was trying to win, she was so aggressive. Did she do nothing softly, tenderly, just once?

Her hands lifted my pajama shirt and slid up my stomach to cup my breasts. I was getting pools of moisture between my legs in abundance. I found myself moaning despite my tenacity not to give in to her. She undulated her pelvis against me as her hands were busy on my breasts.

"I need to take you…" She reached down inside my pajama bottoms, but I grabbed her hands so she couldn't penetrate me.

"No… "

"Kathryn… please…"

"No!" I finally came to my senses and pushed her off me. I stood up quickly. "This is NOT going to happen!"

She scowled at me deeply, giving me a very antagonistic look. "Very well," she said coldly reaching for a pillow. She stood up and proceeded to other room.

"It's too bad you cannot see that we are perfect together."

"There's no such thing as… perfection, Seven. As much as I love you, we are NOT perfect."

"I disagree, Kathryn. Sex with you is as perfect as it can be."

"Figures you'd see it that way, but I’m referring to our whole relationship. And NOT all of the sex has been perfect for me."

She conceding the point, with a tilt of her head.

"You still have a lot to learn about humanity. I don’t say that to be harsh, but this can't happen again. Not until we find this saboteur, understand?"

I could tell she was not pleased and stared at me oddly for what seemed a while. "I will be on the couch."

Did I have any self control with her? What was it with us anyways?

 

*****

 

I was sound asleep in my quarters when the computer woke me up. "Seven of Nine to the Captain."

Seven? Why would she be hailing me? She was supposed to be on the couch sleeping? She wasn't supposed to be anywhere by herself?!

"Captain, we need you in Engineering. There's a small problem."

"What is it, Seven?" Trying not to let my annoyance show.

"I'll explain when you get here, Seven out."

It wasn't like Seven to not at least give me a short summary of the problem. I reflected on what it could be while getting into my uniform. Then I left my quarters heading for Engineering. I didn't notice anything was out of the ordinary until I got out of the turbolift deck 8.

I noticed a crewman lying unconscious in the middle of the corridor. I checked his pulse, it was steady. I didn't notice any visible injuries and wondered what could've done this. I hit my combadge.

"Janeway to the Bridge."

There was no answer.

"Janeway to Seven of Nine."

There was still no answer. I was really getting worried now. I got back into the turbolift went to deck two to grab a phaser before heading back to Engineering.

I found a half dozen more unconscious crewmen on deck 8 and deck 10 before I arrived in Engineering.

"Seven, what's going on?" I asked upon the door sliding open. I proceeded to approach her. She was at the main terminal stationed in front of the warp core. She had her back to me.

"Computer, seal the doors, Authorization, Seven, alpha-beta-omega." She commanded to the computer.

"Seven?" What was she doing?

Seven turned around, took the phaser out of my holster, tossed it on the floor and grabbed my wrists all before I could react in the slightest.

"What the hell are you doing?!" I spat out.

"Do not be alarmed. You will not be harmed, if you cooperate." She told me, but my gut instincts told me not to believe her. Her blue eyes were dark. I only saw shadows in them. "However, I make no promises for your crew."

Out of the corners of Engineering came three of my former crewmen who I could barely recognize with all the wires and metallic implants adorning their bodies. It was obvious that Seven had assimilated them. Ensign Delgado, Mulcahy and Thomas. Unfortunately, Delgado and Mulcahy had two prisoners who had yet to be assimilated.

Mulcahy on my left had Lt. Susan Nicoletti and Delgado on my right had a struggling B'Elanna Torres. They looked like they had been roughed up. The other Borg, Thomas was standing at attention, apparently awaiting orders from her.

My heart lurched in pain when I met her eyes in vexation. They held no remorse. Rather, she smirked at her handy work. It seemed evil. Aghast, at the horror I was forced to witness before me, I struggled in her tight grip. "What have YOU DONE!?"

"What I needed to do, Kathryn." She hissed at me.

"What exactly is THAT?"

"The taking over of your ship."

"You can't be serious?!" I exclaimed, feeling I was totally lost in another reality.

"I am completely serious and I will even give you the option of joining me. I will be in command of course, but you can be my subordinate."

"I'll never agree to that." I fumed, giving her my hardest Look. She didn't even flinch. The Seven I knew would have been affected by my anger at her, if not riled by it. I didn’t know this creature before me. What's happened to her? An alien infestation? Is she being controlled somehow? What would make her betray us like this!?

Seven pulled me closer her breath on my face. "I knew you would be… stubborn, but you have no choice. You will comply and then I will let consider letting your crew live. If you refuse me, I will kill them all."

"You're insane," I blurted out, shaken by her actions.

"I assure you. I'm not. Join me, Kathryn. We can rule this quadrant… together."

"I can't do that."

"Either way, you will submit to me!"

"I will NOT!" I rebuked my voice thick with acrimony. Her eyes were like flames upon my soul shattering it.

"Then I'll kill them all including the children." I gave her a stare of pure loathing at her cruelty.

"I'll stop you!" I threatened her. My rage to protect my crew would overcome any personal anguish I might feel. I would kill her if she gave me no choice. Then my heart would die with her last breath. I feared that's exactly where we were heading.

She flipped me around pushing back against the terminal and leaned over me.

"No, you won't Kathryn. You know you want me. Who else will give you pleasure the way I can." She teased, kissing me hard as I resisted. "You're in love with me, if you kill me, you'll never be the same. Oh, I know you have to try..." She mocked me. "But you will fail."

She kept forcibly kissing me. I turned my head to the side effectively breaking her lip lock on me.

"I should kill you for your insolence, Kathryn." She snarled at me. "If I didn't enjoy you so much I might be tempted to, but you're no threat to me."

She released her hold then and tossed me away haphazardly.

She nodded to the Thomas drone, before starting to work on the console again and he left Engineering apparently to follow a mental command.

"Where's he going?" I asked while rubbing the circulation back into my wrists.

"He's going to assist the other drones in ridding me of your crew." She said casually her back to me. There were more than three drones?! How many of my crew did she assimilate?

"Why are you doing this, Seven?!" I could not allow her to do this.

"Wouldn't you like to know, Kathryn?"

"Please… " I implored her. "Surrender my ship and let me help you?"

She ignored me. I couldn't wait any longer. I had to act while I still could. Who knew what those drones were doing to my crew at this very moment? I reached quickly for my hidden phaser, stuffed in the ankle of my boot and fired at the nearest Borg, catching him in the upper shoulder. His armor sparkled and fizzled as the blast hit him in the chest knocking him down. Lt. Nicoletti fell to the side freed from his grasp.

Then I aimed for Seven. "Don't move."

She had turned and was glaring at me. "You had a spare weapon." She glanced at the one on the floor she made me drop earlier. "My mistake."

"I wouldn't suggest it." I warned her.

"I still have your crewmen prisoner." She gestured to the Borg holding Lt. Torres. "I could have her neck snapped quicker than you could fire that phaser, Captain."

She smiled evilly at me. "Did you really think you could resist me? That you could be anything other than a slave to me. You mean nothing to me, Captain. You are a means to an end."

She mocked me, her words cutting deep, unshed tears came streaming down my face.

"You need help, Seven."

"I need power!" She clenched her fist. "Drop the phaser or I will kill your crew starting with her."

"No!"

"I will kill them, Captain. You cannot harm me, I've re-activated my Borg shielding."

"Probably, but I'd rather take that chance than let the ship fall into YOUR hands."

"A mental command is all it takes." She told me.

I set the phaser to kill and modulated the frequency. She saw me do it and narrowed her eyes diving for the phaser on the floor.

She didn't make it in time as I fired point blank knocking her away from the weapon.

I hovered dazed over her damaged body after I shot her. It was still smoking where I phasered her. It disintegrated her biosuit and burnt the flesh off her. If it wasn't for her Borg shielding it would have disintegrated her.

I slapped my combadge, "Janeway to sickbay! Medical emergency in Engineering!"

There was no answer. She probably took the EMH offline. There was nothing I could do for her to my dismay.

I knelt down before her, averting my eyes from the wound knowing nothing could save her now. The damage was too extensive. She laid there breathing raggedly, struggling for breath. I bent over and looked into her cloudy eyes.

She struggled with words as blood filled her mouth. "I should have killed you when I had the chance, but I…" She said choking again not finishing.

I cringed at those words, but said nothing as she gagged on her own blood, but I could feel my own heart dying with her and more tears, despite her betrayal.

I felt outrage and anguish overwhelm me, "Why?!" I demanded trying to make some sense of what she forced me to do. I would have worked with her. Assisted her in any way I could have to prevent this. Hell, I would have resigned as Captain, if I thought it would have changed the horrific results of this moment.

"I had to… " She feebly raised her arm to stroke my cheek. "You are good… " She grinned, another choke, more blood.

"What?!" I spat, confused.

"I didn’t… believe… you would--" were her last words. She gagged and struggled for air. I watched painfully as she took her last breath. I could hear her exhaling and I closed my eyes. I had tears gushing down my face, but I was also livid as well. I wanted her to justify what she had done and why!! Now I would have neither, just guilt and regret.

I gave into the anguish of it all and lowered my head on her shoulder and cried.

 

*****

 

Lt. Torres was kind enough to give me a minute to dwell on my loss. After an indeterminate amount of time, I felt warm hands on my shoulders. "Captain…"

I rose my head up. I had stopped crying, but my bones didn't want to move. Now that she reminded me of my duty, I went into command mode.

"B'Elanna," I said as I stood, noticing Lt. Nicoletti there as well. "Susan."

"Do you know if she damaged the ship in anyway?" I directed my question to Lt. Torres.

"I don't think so, Captain."

"Torres you're with me. Nicoletti, scan for Borg signatures and raise a force field where you find them. Make sure none move from their current location wherever that may be."

"Yes, ma'am."

"We've got to get to sickbay and find out what happened to the Doctor." I told Torres.

"What about the Borg drones?" She exclaimed.

I dared a glance at Seven's body, emotion filling me once again to point of bursting. I looked away. "With their connection to Seven eliminated, they won't pose a threat, but we need to get them to sickbay. I couldn't contact the Doctor earlier. I just hope she didn't delete his program."

"How is it you're not unconscious like the rest?" I asked walking along the corridor.

"She beamed into Engineering with those three drones and incapacitated us before we had a chance to find weapons. She gassed the rest of the ship. How do you manage to escape the gas, Captain?"

"My quarters were not gassed. She summoned me to Engineering."

I could feel B'Elanna's gaze on me as we traversed the corridors.

"You have something to say Lt.?"

"I’m sorry, Captain." She took a breath. "We all know how much you cared for her."

"I'll survive." I said harshly, lying to myself. It was inappropriate to let her know or see the depths of my pain. As Captain, she needed to believe I was in complete control, despite my tragic circumstances. "I just want to know why!"

We arrived in sickbay and I checked the main terminal while Torres checked the doctor's office computer.

"Here he is." I announced. "She simply took him offline." I was relieved, but I refused to believe she did it for us. She probably didn't want to waste the time it would've taken to delete him.

It took me a few minutes to key in the proper instructions to bring his program back online. When I did, I updated him on our current status and together we revived everyone by releasing a counter agent to the knock out gas Seven had used to incapacitate the crew.

I contacted Chakotay who was on the Bridge and told him the situation. With Tuvok and the help of his security team we rounded up the other assimilated crewmen. There were a total of five.

The Doctor said he would be able to remove the exo-plating from all the crewman. The only problem would be the injuries sustained to the crewman I shot in the chest, Ensign Mulcahy. He was in critical condition.

As if I didn't have enough guilt on my conscious.

 

*****

 

When the Doctor saw Seven's charred lifeless body brought into sickbay, his mood changed perceptibly to foul. I explained briefly what happened, but it didn't change his mood.

"Was this necessary?" he asked not looking at me. He proceeded to scan her.

"I had no choice… I had to disable her quickly before she could give any commands to the crewmen she assimilated.

"You did not give her a chance to surrender?" he asked incredulously.

"Of course I did!" I glared at him for his accusation.

"I think you acted too quickly to defend your ship and you didn't even give her a chance!"

He obviously didn't believe me that she was a real threat. I turned to the Doctor fury etched into my features. "How dare you criticize my choices in this situation. Don't YOU think for a moment I don't know where this is coming from, Doctor? I know you had feelings for her, but your forgetting so did I!"

I clenched my fists together. The words hurt and cast more doubt on my already precariously wounded heart and soul. "You may have loved her Doctor, but I was... in love with her!"

"And if you ever suggest otherwise, I'll decompile your damn program!" I threatened him callously, but deep inside I didn't mean it. I was so angry from his accusation even though I knew the reasoning behind it. It wasn't justified. What about my pain!? What about my loss!? Did he think for one moment I would not feel guilt over having to kill my lover?!

I turned my pain filled face towards him.

"Why don't you just concentrate on finding out what the hell happened to her!" I exclaimed in a pained voice.

On my way back to my quarters, I hailed Chakotay and put him in charge. I was exhausted more mentally and emotionally than physically, but I really wanted to sulk alone in silence in my own misery without anyone knowing.

 

*****

 

Captain's Personal log: Stardate, 55710.8

"I killed her. I had no choice. I didn't want to, but I had to. She was a threat to the ship. I pleaded with her to no avail. She wanted command of my vessel, but in my heart I knew it was something else. Why after all these years would she suddenly desire that power? I still don't know the answer to that question and it has only been two days since her death. The death I caused… Pause recording."

I put my trembling hands over my face to try and contain the hot tears spilling forth. A few minutes later, somewhat more composed I continued.

"I keep telling myself I had no choice, and my senior staff remind me of that too. The crew knew what I had done was for their safety. Some openly sympathized for me. Others avoided me and couldn't seem to look me in the eyes. Sometimes, I want to curse my duty as an officer. God knows, I'm paying the price now for my actions and probably for the rest of my life. It will be a shallow life at best without her.

Oh, the signs that something wasn't right were there, but I didn't want to see it and by the time I did, it was too late. Perhaps I didn’t want to see it because I was in love with her. They say true love is blind. Sadly, I wonder now if she ever truly loved me. Maybe there wasn't enough emotion there to facilitate a deep abiding love from her, but what do I know. Perhaps, she lacked the ability to love, or maybe it was a borg defect, or an act to gain the power she so craved.

Seven said she expected me to try and kill her. She taunted me with it and said I would never be the same. I agreed with her even in my horror over her words. I've been never so shaken in all my life over what happened that fateful day in Engineering.

I could tell she meant what she said by the look in her eyes. The cold cruel gaze that looked back wasn't the Seven I had grown to love. I can't even imagine what was going on inside her!

She seemed to change sometime after we became physical. I call it physical because…. Well that's what it was. That's pretty much all we did. We didn't spend much quality time together in each other's company. There was very little enhancement to the emotional and mental wellbeing in our relationship. I thought this was what she wanted too and I thought she indicated that to me early on in our relationship, but now I'm not so sure she meant it.

I just don't know.

I still have trouble believing she could behave so solidly as an individual for so many years and then change so much to actually want to harm my crew.

It doesn't change the pain I'm in right now. I continue to search for an explanation as to why she acted the way she did. I need to find closure. My heart needs to, so I can find some peace with the fact that I killed my lover and friend. You can't imagine what it's like to fire the weapon that kills someone you love. Knowing you're responsible for that loss, that somehow you failed them and that you have to live with it for the rest of your days.

It's only been two days since the incident and I know I'll mourn so much longer than that.

God, I miss her.

End log

 

*****

 

The third day after Seven's death, Tuvok and B'Elanna entered my Ready Room and stood before me. Their faces were preoccupied. I hoped the news was good. Lt. Torres had difficulty keeping eye contact with me. I could understand that. She witnessed the events of that day first hand and my subsequent emotional turmoil. I wasn't worried about it. I knew I had her respect, maybe even a new understanding that I was more than just a Captain. I was human too and I could bleed.

I steepled my hands together forcing control and patience then gave them my full attention.

"Captain, we have Seven of Nine's personal logs." Tuvok informed me while handing me the data PADD.

I had almost forgotten I had ordered Tuvok to investigate Seven's recent behavior and he was utilizing B'Elanna's help to try and break into Seven's personal logs.

I took the PADD ambivalently, wondering what horrors it would contain. Would its contents help or hurt me further?

"We also found a separate memo along with the personal logs." Torres advised me.

Tuvok eyed me cautiously. I disregarded it as his way of checking on my emotional status.

"How did you do it?" I asked B'Elanna.

"The personal logs were encoded with borg encryption algorithms. It took me a few days to figure out the correct… decryption sequence."

"Good work." I said quietly. I was grateful even if I couldn't show it.

"I regret to inform you Captain that it is all the evidence I could find regarding her recent behavior." Tuvok disclosed.

I looked at him numbly. "That's because there's nothing to find. The Doctor told me earlier today that he found nothing despite two days of implementing tests. Her DNA checked out perfectly." I paused not adding that I had the Doctor put her body in stasis until further notice. I wasn't ready to give up, but I also didn't want to waste any more of Tuvok's time. "Consider your investigation done for now."

I didn't wait for any acknowledgement and they let themselves out as I stared at the PADD held tightly in my hands.

 

*****

 

I decided to take the PADD to my quarters and read it in private. So I lied down on my bed and proceeded to read.

 

Seven of Nine Personal log: Stardate, 55540.2

I had an interesting first experience today known as making out. I was considerably nervous, but it proved to be an enlightening experience. I enjoyed kissing Kathryn while resting my hands on her small waist. I had difficulty concentrating on analyzing my reactions to it, as I seemed to lose myself in the participation of it. Curious.

I actually lost track of time. That had not happened to me before and should not with my internal chronometer, but at the time I was too engaged to consider it. Her mouth was so moist, her lips soft and smooth and what she did with her tongue made me gasp for air. I gave off other secretions, I was completely unprepared for.

It was more pleasurable than anything I have done before in my life. I wonder if Kathryn feels the same way as she has had considerably more experience in this act than I.

I am beginning to feel more confident in my ability to feel 'pleasure'. I am overjoyed at the prospect of becoming intimate with Kathryn. I look forward to it.

Pleasure is not irrelevant. The borg were mistaken. I understand, now part of what they have taken from me and I look forward to my future as an individual part of the Voyager Collective.

End Log

 

Seven of Nine Personal log: Stardate, 55590.0

I have been spending a lot of time with Kathryn outside of our duties and I believe that I am beginning to understand love. I have no past experience to relate to in judging the accuracy of what I believe I'm feeling, but I feel as if I am falling in love with Kathryn.

I define love as follows:

Love requires that and individual give up judgment, fear, resentment, shame, hurt, and expectation of love returned. Love expects forgiveness for all harm done. This does not mean that a person will forget the harm done or continue to position themselves in harm's way, only that setting healthy boundaries is good. It means that a person must claim full responsibility for their experience. They must give up seeing themselves as a victim and see themselves as a divine being worthy of great love. Love commands of us that we simply give of our hearts freely and unconditionally....

I do not profess to have mastered this emotion. On the contrary, I am excited about loving her more and yet fearful of it. I do not believe I will be able to master it despite how long I live. Love is a complex and intricate emotion with many facets. Yet I look forward to each new facet learned with Kathryn at my side and I hope I am truly worthy of her love.

End log

 

Seven of Nine Personal log: Stardate, 55600.2

I am going on an away mission today and although it is only an uninhabited planet and should pose no threat, I have felt a need to verbally dictate my thoughts before hand. In case, I do not return.

Since being involved with Kathryn, I have felt what I believe is love and although we have not consummated our relationship by our mutual choice, I know that she is the only one for me. Unlike that first time when I nervously verbalized my newfound revelations to her in the Ready Room, I was now certain of the emotion I was feeling in regards to Kathryn.

Perhaps in my inexperience I was being naïve. I hope not. I love Captain Kathryn Janeway and I intend to live the rest of my days proving just that.

I intend to leave her a memo to be updated before every away mission I am involved in, in case I am fatally wounded. Mostly to let her know, how much she means to me and to ease her pain. I know how much her death would harm me. It would diminish me in ways I do not want to fathom. I would become less and that disturbs me. However, I cannot cheat fate and death will come eventually. I want to be prepared… For Kathryn.

End Log

 

Memo to KJ:

Dear Kathryn,

If you're reading this something has happened to me. Kathryn, know that I love you and I wish the best for you. You must not live in the past. You must take care of yourself and get your crew home. You must let yourself love again and be loved. I know you will never forget me. My love will always be with you. Please be well, my beloved.

In the short time, I knew you, I lived a life time. I have no regrets.

Love Seven on Nine, a.k.a. Annika Hansen,

PS your favorite ex-borg.

End Memo

 

If I felt pain before, I was in agony now. The PADD fell from my limp hand as I lied back in my bed staring up through the window to the nothingness that was space. It was how I felt empty and desolate.

I had only read a few of the latest selections, but it was enough to shatter me. I don't get it. Her logs and her farewell memo suggested she loved me very much. What went wrong?

This just added more questions.

 

*****

 

Chakotay entered my quarters after chiming for admittance. He just wanted to check up on me but when he saw me, he stopped dead in his tracks.

I must have looked awful from his reaction. I was slouched in my long chair, facing the windows that overlooked the starfield outside the ship. My glass was almost empty. I had been drinking. I saw him eye the half-empty bottle of whiskey. I was drowning my pain.

"Captain?"

I turned my solemn, lost face towards him. Although I knew he could tell I had been crying, my gaze must have been distant and emotionless to go with my numbness.

"Commander," I greeted him, not rudely, but without warmth.

"Are you all right, Captain?" he asked.

I looked at my glass of whiskey and downed the last bit in a gulp. "No," I said, putting the glass down. "I'm not and I wonder if I'll ever be."

"Oh, Kathryn." Chakotay said it as if he could feel my desolation, as if I wasn't alone in this. The senior staff and many other crewmembers had tried for weeks to talk with me and cheer me up, but I was withdrawing as was my right. Who cares if it was into a dangerous mental state of solitude? What did it matter?

"You're not alone in this, Kathryn."

"Aren't I?" I stood up and turned to him. "Do you have any idea, how much I loved her?"

"No," Chakotay admitted, "I didn't, but I do now."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't matter now, does it?"

"Of course it does, it matters to you and I wouldn't be much of a friend it I didn't say so." Chakotay rubbed his hands together nervously then continued. "And I'm sorry for the way I treated both of you when I found out. I was jealous of what you two had…"

"I did not plan what happened." I replied tersely. "And it was over between you two months before she suggested we date."

"I know that now."

"Besides, she cared for you Chakotay, she told me so herself. It was just… " I put a hand on my hip trying to think through my misery and intoxicated state. "Did you love her? I mean did you really love her?"

"No, Kathryn, not really. I loved you, but I knew it wasn't in the cards regardless of our rank."

"I'm sorry Chakotay. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally as well as--"

"Deserving love is not the issue, Kathryn. We don't choose whom we fall in love with."

"No, we don't, but as Captain, I shouldn't have gotten involved with someone under my command, regardless of what I felt."

"You're being unrealistic."

"I prefer to call it practical."

"It's not against regulations, Kathryn. It's a suggestion not a rule."

"Well it should be, damn it! It just causes more trouble in the end."

"Even Captain Picard has been known to date members of his crew."

"Perhaps, but it has more of an impact out here in the middle of nowhere." I elaborated annoyed at his counter arguments.

Chakotay frowned at my excuses. "Why are you punishing yourself? You've felt strongly about her for awhile now haven't you? I bet you had feelings for her even before I started dating her. You hid them very well, even though, our dating must have… unsettled you in some way. Do you honestly think that by suppressing your feelings for her and then having to kill Seven, that it would have hurt you any less than it does now?"

I threw a force ten-death glare at him for mentioning my ex-lover's name, but my glare turned to agony at the realization of the answer.

"She left me a memo you know." I told him. "To be delivered in case of her death, telling me how much she loved me. Explain THAT contradiction!?"

I giggled at the absurdity of it all. My alcohol consumption was making me feel all gloom and doom. "Here," I picked up the PADD and tossed it to him.

He caught it against his chest, his eyes wide. He looked at the memo and I could tell when the realization hit him.

"This doesn't make any sense." He said puzzled.

"See?" I blasted myself with self-pity. "She loved me Chakotay. Enough to attempt to kill my crew!"

"I don't believe that!" He said. "This suggests otherwise."

"Oh, I don't know, near the end, she was showing a sick sense of humor, to rub it in."

"For what purpose?" he asked.

"To torture me! What else?!" I mumbled loudly.

"Kathryn, you're being unrealistic and you've had too much to drink." He reached out to take my wine bottle.

"NO!" I went to stop him and he gripped my arms forcefully, but not roughly.

"Kathryn! You've got to stop this. You're killing yourself with guilt. We're your friends… and we still love you."

"Oh god!" I broke down before him and doubled over holding my abdomen in pain. "It hurts so much!"

He folded his arms around me quickly to comfort me. In my anguish, I threw my arms around him and hugged him fiercely, crying out in an anguish that would not let me go.

I felt him move me to the couch, and he held my head to his chest as I sobbed for my long lost lover. I hoped he was praying that this would allow me to heal, but I wasn't sure anything would.

"Why?!" I moaned.

No one answered.


Continued on page 2 >>>

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