***** (Janeway POV)
We got an early start that morning and made it to
the M-class planet in just 6 hours and 20 minutes, just like Seven
predicted utilizing the maximum speed of the Delta Flyer; Warp six.
We pulled into a higher than normal orbit to do
some routine scans. I sat at the Ops station, while Seven utilized the
Engineering console and Tuvok was at tactical.
"I am detecting over four billion lifeforms."
Seven announced from behind me, at the Engineering post.
"Guess it's populated." Tom quibbled
from the helm position. Tuvok, who was directly across from me on my
right at the tactical station, simply raised a brow to Tom's comment.
"I am detecting warp particles in ten
separate locations on the planet." The Vulcan informed me. "I
believe they are warp capable Captain."
"Check for any vessels in orbit."
His hands flew over the console. "There are…
four medium sized vessels in low orbit on the southern hemisphere of the
planet. They have made no indication that they are aware our
"Hail the planet, open a channel, all
We only waited a few minutes before they replied
on a lower band. This caused the video to be slightly distorted on Tom's
"My name is Praetor Anatul, may I ask what is
your business here?"
I took a deep breath leaning over Tom's chair,
since the viewer was to his right. "My name is Captain Kathryn
Janeway, of the Federation starship Voyager. I would like to speak with
you about a possible trade."
I didn’t know much about his species, but he
looked humanoid enough even through the snowy reception. He sported a
mouth with unusually thin lightly purple lips, his nose consisted of two
small slits while his eyes were rounder than ours having deep purple
pupils and no corneas. It was certainly different.
"Trade?" he said curiously.
I told him we needed a substance called deuterium
to fuel our ship, which his planet had an abundance of in the northern
mountainous region. I didn't tell him Voyager was practically stranded
at impulse power because we lost our back up supply to a sneak attack.
It wasn't necessary.
After 30 minutes of negotiating, I decided to give
him data on how to make his warp field more stable. I was dangerously
close to crossing the line of the prime directive, but we were somewhat
desperate. If we had to travel to the next system. it would have taken
the Delta Flyer over a week to acquire and travel both ways. I didn't
want to leave Voyager stranded at impulse for that long. It was too
Thankfully, Tuvok said nothing. Perhaps he
understood the situation and realized the information I intended to give
them would not change the pace of their advancement. It would only make
their current warp drives more stable and safer to operate. Either way,
we had to acquire that isotope.
The Praetor allowed us to beam down unguarded to
the mountainous region where we knew the greatest concentrations of our
much-needed element to be.
We left Tom on the Delta Flyer, gathered our
supplies; tricorders, phasers, isotope containers and beamed down. Tuvok
went to one location and Seven and I headed off to another. We had our
tricorders out as I trailed behind her.
We went through thick dense foliage, over rocks
and stones, passed small streams and brooks to get to the desired
My mind was on the mission, it was, but watching
her backside view was extremely arousing considering our current
affiliation. I know we had been dating for almost a month and we agreed
to take it slow, but that didn't stop my mind from fantasizing about
being intimate with her.
I couldn't help myself. I had some seriously
lascivious thought regarding being alone with her and shook my head in
shame. I was on duty. What's gotten into
Love. Head over heels, feels like your falling…
Returning to my scans, I located a small deposit
in the ground that I started to collect.
"Captain, I am detecting large quantities in
a nearby cave. Approximately 25 yards."
"Ok, don't be too long." I smiled widely
at her. "We have a date tonight."
"Of course not." Seven mocked me
I continued collecting as I surveyed my
surroundings. It was a remarkable planet. The foliage was so green and
fresh. The trees were thick and sprouting healthy branches full of
multi-colored leaves. There were bushes of all sizes and shapes doting
the steep hillside on my right. The mountain air was clean and crisp,
reminding me of home in Bloomington, Indiana. I was overcome with a bit
of déjà vu until I noticed how much time had lapsed.
It had been over twenty-five minutes and I started
thinking Seven should have returned by now.
I started towards her last known position calling
out to her.
"I am finished." She responded, quickly
coming around a thick bundle of bushes that blocked the view of the
entrance to the cave she had been in. She carried two containers full of
the element we needed.
"Good work," I said noting her
disheveled appearance. Strands of hair had come lose and her biosuit was
stained with dirt in numerous places.
"You ok?" I asked looking her over.
"Yes," she replied with a smile.
"The cave was exceedingly dirty and small. I had to get on my hands
and knees to extract the required amount. As you can see, I
succeeded." She held up the containers to show her achievements.
I smirked at her amusement over it all. She
certainly was changing.
I hailed Tuvok and inquired on his progress. He
informed me that he was finished and he had already beamed back aboard
So I hailed them and asked for a transport out as
their earliest convenience.
"I look forward to our date tonight,
Kathryn." Seven gave me a heated once over glare before the
transporter took us away.
We rendezvoused with Voyager hours later, to find
out that B'Elanna had fixed the warp core and just needed time to load
the isotope in the anti-matter reaction chamber and we would be off
again, fully mobile.
I wanted to return to Alderus and beam a larger
quantity to our back up storage bins.
Praetor Anatul was a kind and fair leader for his
province, once you got to know him. We thanked him for his generosity
and he thanked us profusely for the tips on how to make warp core
engines more efficient. I cringed thinking of the prime directive, but
what harm could it do. I just gave him safety tips.
He offered for us to visit his planet and join his
people in what I would describe as a Thanksgiving like holiday. I had to
decline though, telling him about our long journey and he understood. So
we were on our way back to the Alpha Quadrant with enough fuel for
months. My ship was healthy. My crew was healthy… And I had a hot date
For once, everything was right with my universe.
"Seven," I greeted her happily after she
entered my quarters. "I was just about to call you."
"Regarding?" She said always cutting to
the point of the conversation.
"I was wondering if you would enjoy a candle
light dinner on the holodeck?"
She raised an eyebrow thinking about it before
replying. "Could we not have that candle light dinner here in the
comfort and serenity of your quarters?"
"I suppose we could, but I can't program a
different setting." I said not expecting the suggestion.
"It is not the setting that intrigues me,
Kathryn." She said walking smoothly over to me. She brought my hand
up to her mouth and bent her lovely lithe neck to kiss the back of it.
She gazed at me straight into my flabbergasted eyes.
"You are all I require in any…
Oh, dear, I wasn't going to last long if she kept
looking at me like that, but being a Captain I was trained to recover
from such things.
I smiled blushing at her. "Thank you, that's
very sweet to say."
"It is the truth."
I gave her an alluring look and headed for my
small kitchen to prepare the small meal I had planned. "Dinner
should only take about 30 minutes."
She grabbed my arm to stop me and I looked at her
puzzled. "I am not hungry for food, Kathryn." Her voice was
fervid and the sound curled around my stomach sending flutters there.
I gasped at the hidden meaning behind those sultry
words, but her mouth came down on mine a moment later in a searing kiss.
She pulled me so close to her that I could feel my breasts against her
own teasing me. One of her thighs pushed its way in-between my legs to
rub invigoratingly against my sex.
What had started as an innocent dinner quickly
became a heated encounter of mouths, lips and tongue, which eventually
led to my bed.
Overcome with desire and passion, I could not
resist her charm and we engaged in a rather intense encounter. It was a
bit rough and uncoordinated, but she acted as if she needed me so much
that if she didn't have me she would explode. All those feelings over
the past month were most likely building finally coalescing into an
intense desire to be with me that she couldn't control. I was glad to
give it to her and if she wanted it hard and fast, then that's what we
Her mouth found mine numerous times roughly
kissing me. She sucked on my nipples until I was practically writhing
from soreness. We rocked hips against each other sliding against the
slick wetness of our skin before we took turns penetrating each other.
Reaching a glorious climax, she cried out
intensely before dropping her weight on me in temporary exhaustion. I
was so wrapped up in my own pleasure I hadn't even noticed she rolled
off me to gather her breath after our brief but intense session.
Less than fifteen minutes later, we were at it
again. Locking lips, hooking hips and pressing pelvises hotly into one
another. I got to taste her lovely breasts this time savoring how
perfectly formed they were and I got to explore her long elegant body.
I reached the peak first this time after we
undulated painfully against one another for what seemed like a joyous
eternity. I didn’t care at the time, but I would feel this exertion
the next day. It had been so long since I had this much intense
I was surprised at how insatiable she was when we
started round three. This time she tasted me with her hot mouth. Her
hunger was still very apparent because she sucked and licked me more
thoroughly than I had ever been before. I followed suit to give her what
she gave me and we both had another wonderful experience. All in all, we
made love for hours before we finally stopped, completely saturated with
sweat and other bodily fluids.
It was not what I would have expected our first
time to be. I thought she would be more timid and that I would have to
lead her in the exploration of our bodies, but I couldn't have been more
wrong. She was actually the aggressor in this and knew exactly what to
do and how to bring me to that exquisite level of pleasure that I had
not felt in a long time. I assumed it was all that knowledge of the
sexual practices of the thousands of species the Borg assimilated and at
the moment I didn't mind one bit.
"Are you hungry?" Seven asked
innocently, but I burst out laughing, which she frowned at.
"I fail to see what is so funny."
"It's not you dear, never mind."
"Would you like me to prepare dinner now,
"At this hour?" I asked, still smirking
at the pun. It was after midnight.
"You need to keep your strength up."
"O-kay," I agreed grinning.
"You stay here, I will prepare it."
Seven said and disappeared from the bedroom to do just that.
We ate dinner in relative silence sharing smiles
and looks, before Seven said she had to leave. I thought by her teasing
she would being staying the night. I was a bit shocked that she wouldn't
and asked why. She said she had to regenerate.
I bid her a fond farewell with kisses until next
Those first two weeks after our initial rendezvous
was like a blur. After my duty shift, I came back to my quarters and
Seven met me there a half hour later. All during that week we got to
know one another's bodies better. Without even realizing it talking
became a thing of the past.
As soon as she entered my quarters, we were all
over one another.
We couldn't get enough of each other. I would have
described us as cats in heat and rabbits in bed if we were animals. Hard
and heavy was the way she wanted it and I was along for the ride.
It wasn't particularly loving, but the sex was
great and I was so in love with her that it didn’t matter. As a busy
Captain too, I didn't have to worry that my not being there for her
would be a problem. It worked out for both of us and yet, I felt
something was missing. Something intangible that I couldn't even put
into words or grasp. Probably my imagination conjuring up irrational
One evening Seven waited for me in my quarters and
as soon as I came in the door, she was all over me with a glint in her
eye. We ended up on making love on the couch. She screwed me thoroughly
before I could get finish getting my uniform completely off.
Then there was the night she pleasured me while
against the wall as I curled my legs around her torso. Not the most
romantic evening, but it felt good and I was satisfied regardless of how
rough or indelicate the act had seemed. Good thing for me I had a dermal
regenerator to take care of those cuts, scrapes, bumps and bruises
otherwise, the Doctor would have wondered what the hell we were doing to
I have to admit that I let my better judgment get
the best of me in one moment of weakness while we were in my Ready Room.
I instigated it, so the blame was all mine, not Seven's.
I innocently thought I would only give her a
passionate kiss to remind her of what to expect later that evening. I
hadn't seen her for three nights due to one emergency or another so when
she walked in and handed me a PADD containing efficiency reports, I
could see in her eyes the longing and lust.
We held each other's gaze before I wrapped my arms
around her to kiss her hard, with my mouth covering hers, lips pressing,
teeth gnashing, and tongues sliding…
Then Chakotay entered. I was so involved I didn't
hear the chime, twice.
He froze immediately, just passed the door, eyes
wide in disbelief, his face pale.
I broke the kiss quickly, "Commander!" I
said startled, fixing my uniform. Seven was remarkably calm. Her back
was to him so he couldn't see her face. She winked at me and then went
to leave as if we did nothing wrong. Technically, we didn't do anything
wrong, even by Starfleet regulations, it just wasn't very professional.
"Commander," Seven acknowledged
stoically. He turned his face to her and it became red, presumably in
What's this? I
questioned to myself.
"I'm sorry, Commander. I didn't hear you
His was very impassive, but still red. His eyes
told a different story. He was angry I could tell, but whether at me or
Seven or both of us, I wasn't sure.
"Here are the reports you asked for." He
handed it to me and turned to leave quickly.
He stopped for a moment, his back to me. It seemed
like an eternity. "I have nothing to say to you Kathryn."
I swallowed. I could only hope the rest of the
crew did not react like he did or I was in serious trouble. This was NOT
good for our working relationship. I would be disappointed as his friend
to lose that, but as Captain… God help me, if I've lost his respect.
The next few days were somewhat nerve racking and
uncomfortable for me as Captain. Oh, there were no signs of mutiny or
anything, but I could tell the news of my relationship with Seven was
spreading quickly by the looks I received in the hallway.
Some crewmembers simply greeted me as before, but
most had a look in their eye of uncertainty. I'm not sure what they were
concerned about. I wasn't going to treat them any differently.
B'Elanna was the only one who seemed surprised,
but didn’t mind. I always wondered if she was attracted to Seven, but
she was married now to Tom and had a daughter. I know she wouldn't
consider damaging that special union.
Rather, I thought I heard her mumble something to
the effect of, "It's about time you two figured it out."
Just before I left Engineering one day.
I guess I had to be patient. They would come
around. Chakotay would come around. They had to because I was the
Captain, in full command of my mental capabilities despite the fact that
I was in love with Seven of Nine.
I wasn't going to let petty jealousies keep me
from enjoying the limited pleasures I found while stranded out here. I
sacrificed everything else to try and get them home, they couldn't
expect me to sacrifice her.
I knew this was coming, so I prepared myself for
the barrage as I stood behind my desk in my Ready Room. It had taken him
a couple of days to build up the courage to talk to me. Everything he
said was mostly curt and to the point. 'yes Captain', or 'no
Captain'. Finally, a couple days later, he decided to have it out
"Seven?!" Chakotay spat glaring at me.
"Of all the people, you chose Seven?"
"We've been dating for weeks. It's not like
this is out of the blue."
He shook his head. "Oh, isn't that why she
broke up with me? So she could be with you!?"
"I did NOT have anything to do with your
breakup with Seven." I told him, my gaze harsh right back at him.
"For all I know you probably planned
"Don't be absurd!" I rebuked.
"You're letting your anger talk now."
"And why the hell shouldn't I be angry?"
"Why didn't you try to change her mind, if
you still had feelings for her?!" I asked him strongly.
"It's not Seven I'm concerned with, Kathryn.
I'm not in love with her! I'm jealous of her! Damn." He put his
hand to his head to cover to his eyes. Was
he in pain over this or embarrassed by his admission?
My eyes widened at that. He's in love with me!?
"I thought… you still have feelings for ME!?" I was shocked
he alluded to it.
"Don't tell me you've never even
considered it?" he asked sarcastically.
I stared at him, befuddled. "I… I won't lie
to you. I thought about what happened between us on new earth…
Chakotay seemed to calm down some. He looked at me
intently waiting for my response.
I paced the room gathering my answer. I needed to
be clear yet compassionate in my response. Honesty was also essential.
"I considered us… briefly."
"However," I continued. "because of
our ranks it would have been inappropriate to--."
"And having a relationship with an arrogant
ex-Borg isn't?!" He interrupted her.
"Let me finish!"
His face tightened, but he was silent.
"That was my first argument and I let it go
at that in the interim. You see Chakotay, I do love you. You're one of
my closest friends and I rely on your council, but I realized I was not in
love with you. You're more like family. I hope you can understand
His eyes shone with something, I couldn’t
discern then flickered away.
"How long have you felt this way… about her?"
"I thought I had stopped. I buried it for
years and figured I was over it."
I lowered my head, in sympathy. Unrequited love
can be so painful. I understood how he felt. I went through all those
years pining for Seven knowing I could never love her the way I wanted
to and yet, she came to me. It hasn't been perfect, far from it, but I
still consider myself blessed with the chance to love her. "I'm
sorry, I wish I told you sooner."
"It wouldn't have changed anything."
"Maybe not how you feel, but it certainly
would have helped your reaction to it. I would hate to think that I've
lost your friendship over this Chakotay, but as Captain I hope this
isn't going to affect our--"
"This has nothing to do with our professional
relationship, Kathryn!" Chakotay replied perturbed. "Of
course, I will still follow any orders you give. I have complete
confidence in your ability to lead this starship."
I breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good to
know. What about our friendship?"
Chakotay hesitated and I felt like I'd lost my
best friend. "I don't know." He said honestly.
I took a few seconds to gather my thoughts before
responding. "This is not a fling for me. I love her, Chakotay. I
hope you can accept that… eventually."
"I hope so too." He said not committing
to anything, but willing to try despite how much this was hurting him.
It was all I could really ask for.
Two days later, I entered my quarters exhausted
after a long day of fighting off a rather ungrateful species because we
were unknowingly passing through their space. Restricted space. I had
politely apologized and told them we would immediately leave as we had
only been traveling through that particular area for about three lights
years. They were not impressed and demanded we surrender our vessel to
the authorities to be tried and sentenced later on.
I couldn't allow that and I tried my hardest to
negotiate with them, but in the end we got into a skirmish with us
having to high tail it out of there at high warp before reinforcements
It took us hours to get out of their space and we
had three of their most power warships on our tail. If they could have
gone faster than Warp 8, we would have been hard pressed to survive.
After that experience I just wanted to lie down
and sleep, but entering my bedroom I saw my lover looking at me with
longing and I sighed at how beautiful she looked naked on top of those
satiny bed sheets. I took off my boots and left them at the door.
I still managed to smile at her before going into
the ensuite to change into my nightgown. Finishing up in there, I
plopped my tired bones sinking into the comfort of the mattress. Seven
sat up on her left elbow watching me with a hawkish eye. She started
tracing a finger along the middle line of my chest, outlining my
breasts. She pressed her mouth hotly over my ear, and nibbled on it. She
lifted her right thigh over my right one and brushed against me gliding
up and down languidly and it was starting to affect me, but I was so out
of it physically. Even an orgasm takes some energy to survive,
especially with Seven who held nothing back and wasn't the gentlest of
I didn't mind her touching me. I actually liked
it, but I was just too damn tired. I grabbed her probing hand gently. I
had to stop her.
"Seven, I'm really tired tonight."
"Tired?" She stared at me absently as if
that was an unusual concept.
"Exhausted," I elaborated.
"You don't want sex?"
I sighed heavily. "Not tonight."
"Ah, I see," she had said, but her eyes
told a different story. She drew in a breath and questioned me oddly.
"Do you desire me, Kathryn?"
I looked at her befuddled. How
could she think otherwise?!
"Of course I do, darling." I reached
over and squeezed her hand to reassure her. "I really am very
tired. It wouldn't be fair to you. I wouldn't be able to… reciprocate
She searched my eyes. "Very well." She
acquiesced, but I was mildly surprised by the coldness in her tone
before she turned away from me. I was too exhausted to contemplated it
now so I lied back down and drifted off to sleep.
The next few days brought a potentially seriously
problem to my attention. On days I couldn't reciprocate my feelings for
Seven, she became more irritated when I refused to have sex.
I admit I was usually very tired after the double
shifts, but one evening after getting off early, I wanted to spend some
quality time on the holodeck with her to paint in Master Da Vinci's
studio, but she refused saying it was a waste of time. She wanted to go
back to my quarters. I didn't have to guess at what she wanted.
She had lost patience it seemed with the things we
used to do together the last couple of weeks and I didn't appreciate her
having to leave so soon after we were intimate every night saying she
had to regenerate. I didn't question her on it, but I knew she didn't
have to regenerate every night.
I myself became somewhat detached and unsettled
about our relationship, which was fast becoming shallow at best compared
to how we started out. I smirked realizing the only thing that was ok
was the sex.
So the next evening, as I sat on my sofa in my
quarters contemplating all this while drinking some lukewarm coffee, I
decided a serious talk was in order with Seven.
My duty shift had just ended and I waited for
Seven to arrive as usually. She was never late. As soon as Seven arrived
for our nightly rendezvous, I would explain my… no our
As soon as she walked through the doors, I spoke
with her before she was all over me intimately. "We need to talk,
She stood at attention and linked her hands behind
her back. "In regards to?"
"Us," I said seriously standing up so I
didn't have to crane my neck.
"You don't act like you want a long-term
relationship. It seems that all you want from me is sex."
Her implant brow rose sharply at my words.
"Is that what is bothering you? That we are having too much
sex?" She asked almost humorously if I didn’t know her better.
"I enjoy physical intimacy as much as the
next person, but I also require conversation, quality time spent
together, doing things as a couple. This is what constitutes a
"We agreed to keep a low profile." She
"Yes, but not now. The senior staff already
knows and I don't plan on hiding what I feel for you."
"What exactly do you require of me,
The way she asked the question caught me off
guard. "I want things to be the way they used to be when we first
started dating. I want us to talk. I--"
"When I tell you about my day," she said
interrupting me. "You do not like my answers."
"You always say the same things and you're
answers are rather cryptic."
"Would you prefer I reiterate my entire
schedule for you in detail?"
"It's so much more than that and you know
it!" I said starting to pace the room. "It's your attitude.
You don’t want to spend time on the holodeck painting or even playing
Velocity any more."
"Pointless activities when we could be doing
something more… enjoyable." Seven said lifting her metal covered
I stopped my pacing to glance a look at her.
"A successful relationship is more than just sex, Seven."
"If you wish to end our affiliation Kathryn,
just say so." Anger crept into her voice and I was miffed at how
she managed to turn this into my fault. I walked up to her meeting her
"That's not what I want!" I said spat
out tensely. "but whether you realize it or not you've
changed." I ran my hand through my hair absently. "Maybe we do
need some space to sort all this out." I mumbled out loud. She took
"As you wish… Captain." She said
stressing my title acerbically.
Her gaze was unflinching, which surprised me, but
what hurt the most was that it looked emotionless as if this had little
impact on her. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest knowing it to be
sorrow, but I held my countenance firmly.
"Permission to be dismissed." She asked
me. She knew she didn't need permission to leave my quarters. She was an
equal here, my lover at this time of the day. She did that on purpose.
"I'm your partner, not your Captain right
now. You don't need permission. You can leave any time you want." I
made that clear on purpose in my agitation.
She bowed her head to me almost in a mockingly
manner. "Good night, Captain." She said and swiftly left my
That went well! I
***** (3rd Person POV)
Seven roamed the hallways with a glazed over look
full of anger in her eyes. She stopped before the entrance, considering
her actions. It didn't take long. She keyed the chime.
"Seven?!" He was completely
flabbergasted when Seven entered his quarters.
"Are you busy, Lt.?"
"Ah.. Um… No," he stuttered.
"I find myself… unsettled." Seven
"Oh," he said, nervous.
"I still have thoughts regarding our…
"You--you do?!" Lt. Chapman swallowed.
"Yes, I still think of you."
"Really?" he said, in a tone that
suggested he found that difficult to believe.
"Yes," she said moving into his personal
space. She looked at him checking him out, up and down making sure he
Lt. Chapman became very stiff and flushed visibly.
"Is… ah… there something… I..ah.. I can
do… um for you?" he asked, but he had a good idea what she
"Yes," She kissed him then thoroughly,
but he was too shocked to respond properly. This was the glorious Seven
of Nine who was kissing him. She was so beautiful, yet after his first
date with her, he knew she was not for him. Despite, the fantasies he
had about being with her. Chapman was under no illusion that she could
He reached up to grip her arms and coaxed her back
effectively breaking the kiss. "Seven! I appreciate this, but I…
Her face became stoic once more and hard, making
him flinch so he let go of her arms. He knew how strong she was and
after that first date, he admitted he was intimidated by both her beauty
and strength of will.
"Why? Do you not desire me?" She asked.
"Well, of course, but it's just that… it
would be inappropriate."
Her gaze hardened some more. "Make no
mistake, Lt. I am not offering you anything beyond this moment and I do
not expect anything in return. I am simply asking you if you wish to
partake in sex, an act that will lead to our mutual enjoyment."
"I.. ah… I don’t… err think this is a
good idea, Seven." He said, scared for some reason, but not willing
to back down. It didn’t seem right.
"Very well." Seven turned quickly to
leave, but stopped at his door. "I strongly suggest you mention
this to no one. I value my privacy and would be… angered if that were
violated. Do you understand?"
"Yes, com... completely." He said
watching her exit, but by her dark gaze he thought it was more a threat
than a suggestion. Strange behavior even for her, but he would not
speculate on it and simply comply with her wish and forget it ever
happened. He was very good at keeping things quiet. It was normal for
What he didn't count on was a fellow officer and
friend who walked around a corner and moved back quickly out of sight as
she left Chapman's quarters. It was 23:00 hours, the man mused to
himself. What in god's name would Seven be doing in Chapman's quarters
at this hour? She was more than rumored to be dating the Captain! They
were supposed to be an item. What indeed?
It was evening when I entered my quarters and I
knew I was not alone. It had been five days since she had been in my
quarters. Seven was leaning against the wall gazing at me with lust fill
eyes. She had her arms folded across her chest in an arrogant posture.
"What are you doing here, Seven?"
"Why do you deny me, Kathryn?"
I sighed, "We both agreed that we needed
space. I don't think you're ready for a full-fledged relationship,
Seven." I said acerbically. "You think a relationship consists
of one continuous sex romp!"
She took great exception to that, by rushing over
to me and glaring dangerously into my eyes. Startled, I took a natural
step back to put some space between us. I wasn't intimidated by her
mood, but her proximity still affected me physically. I was by no means
over her. I still pined for her.
"I don't what?!" she said in a low tone,
moving closer to me, only inches away.
"You heard me." I said quietly, stepping
back until my backside was against the wall. Now I did start to feel a
little threatened by her hovering over me. I was not fearful of her
harming me, but I felt cornered and I don't like my freedom being
constricted in any way.
"Is that why you don't want me any longer,
because I have not acquired enough human experience to be what you
require of me? Because I am not romantic enough for you?" Her eyes
softened then. I couldn’t tell if she meant her words sincerely or was
trying to get me into bed again. Would that really be so bad after
five days without? I thought to myself, shaking my head.
"Seven, I'm tired, ok. Can't we have this
conversation another time?" I went to move and she brought her
right arm up, palm out to rest flatly against the wall, thus blocking my
"I deserve an answer Kathryn." She said
angrily. "You have been my guide since I began my quest to regain
my humanity. Are you now afraid to guide me because I have reached a
I squinted my eyes at her, suddenly uncertain if
what I did was the right thing. Could it be that she doesn't know how to
be what I need from her? "You've never mentioned this before."
"It is difficult for me to put into words,
but…" She conceded.
"But what?" I said looking gently into
her clouded eyes.
"After going through the last five days
without your company, I experienced pain, I was unaccustomed to. A deep
throbbing that would not go away. Did you experience this?" she
asked sadly removing her arm from my path and backing away. Her
aggression turned to controlled sadness as she waited for my reply.
"Yes," I choked out. "I experienced
something very similar."
Seven swallowed, thinking. "I caused you
"No," I said flinching. "We
misunderstood what each other wanted, I…"
"You don't have to explain." She said
quickly her eyes looking wounded. "I am sorry for not being what
you need, Kathryn." Guilt washed over me then I saw her move to
I gripped her arm before she could.
"Wait," I said gently. I rubbed her arm with my thumb in small
circles. She glanced at me. Was that hope or expectation in her eyes?
"Perhaps, I was a little hasty in judging you. I didn't know you
were struggling with certain aspects of our relationship, but now that I
do, we can work on it. I… I'm willing to try again, Seven. I still
love you. I never stopped."
She smiled then, widely. I grinned back at her.
"I am… pleased to hear that, Kathryn." She said.
I let out a breath I was holding in relief. I
stroked her face, with my finger. I adored that smile. She gave it so
rarely lately. I watched the smile slowly leave her face and look
intently at me. Her breathing increased as I trailed the tip down her
cheek then across her chin passed the dimple there. Her gaze
intensified. I caressed her lower lip with my finger tracing it, feeling
the texture, soft and subtle. Her lips parted, I could tell I was deeply
affecting her. Her chest heaved quite frequently, her breasts expanding
beautifully and I could almost hear them calling to be released from the
constricting biosuit. I was seriously aroused. I could feel her breath
on my finger. I liked sensual moments like this. It was the only time we
were slow and composed, but I believed that would come to us eventually.
Our relationship was so new, I figured it just needed to be this way for
"Kathryn?" she said thickly. "Do
you want me to leave now?" Personally, I didn't think she really
wanted to leave, more over, I think she was trying to warn me that if I
kept this up she would be hard pressed not to take me right here.
Did I actually blame her for wanting too much sex?! What the hell was I
thinking?! Oh, I wanted her!
"No," I said firmly and her eyes widened
before I pulled her close with a seductive glare. "I need you right
Suddenly my hands cupped her face and I opened my
mouth in anticipation feeling her breath expel in my mouth before I
covered her lips hungrily. God, I had
She wasted no time responding, most likely she was
just waiting for my permission. I was the aggressor this time devouring
her mouth like no tomorrow. She pressed her firm body against mine
pinning me against the wall.
She rubbed her thigh up and down my sex making me
squirm in delight. I was still in my uniform, but it was driving me
crazy. I wrapped my legs around her torso and she reached down to grip
my buttocks. She kissed me hard and I flung my arms around her still
undulating our hips together.
"The bedroom…" I whispered in her ear
because I knew we wouldn't make it if we progressed much farther.
"Yesssss." She drawled out between wet
kisses and carried me there. We fell onto the bed and I peeled off her
biosuit hastily, tasting her skin as I did so. Her skin was flushed and
warm. She assisted me in removing my uniform. First my red jacket came
off, then my grey tunic and finally my pants and shoes were all tossed
haphazardly landing wherever. That task accomplished, I rolled her over
so I could be on top of her. Amazing how just a few days apart from a
lover could make you want it so much more.
I cupped her sex, stroking it vigorously with my
index finger. She gasped into my mouth as I was about to kiss her and I
caught her tongue with my own striking it repeatedly before she could
I felt her hand grasp my breast and pinch my
nipple, hard, but not painful. Meanwhile, our hips had a life of their
own, but I knew all this grinding wouldn't give her or me the over the
top explosions we needed after our extended temporary abstinence.
I brushed the apex of her clit and she growled at
me, a deep throaty purr. She was always in such a hurry.
"Tell me how much you want me." I teased
her, which is something I rarely do. I think I was giving her a taste of
her own aggression for a change.
Her nose flared and her eyes held my with an
intensity almost animalistic. "I want you!"
"Yesss," I breathed on her neck nipping.
"but how much?"
"More than anything!"
I grinned and penetrated her quickly with two
digits, moving inside deeply. I latched my teeth onto her areolas biting
gently as I lunged inside her. It drove her crazy. She arched her back
on me pushing the breast further into my mouth almost causing me to gag.
I didn't mind, really. I loved it. Oh so juicy. I couldn't get enough of
I was a bit shocked when I felt her fingers push
into me at the same time, but since I wasn't completely on top of her,
it was plausible. I had one thigh between her bent one at the knee
giving her access. With her free hand she reached up and pulled my head
down to hers, kissing me hard, forcing my lips to part and slapping my
wet tongue with her own, as she probed with her fingers inside of my wet
After a few moments, we developed an erotic rhythm
moving to each other motions. As I withdrew from her, she drove in to
me, never letting up on the sensually rough kiss either. We rocked
together nicely in synch creating a heated mass of moving flesh. My bed
was creaking from the strain. What can I say, Seven weighed a lot with
all those Borg implants and we were working the mattress a lot the last
couple of weeks.
When she came, she spasmed hard against me and
literally screamed her pleasure into my mouth. I followed suit, howling
her name in abandon as the swells exploded in me gushing out my liquid
to mix generously with hers. If one of us was male, we'd certainly have
a pregnancy with all the hard work we were doing lately.
As it was, I couldn't hold my weight up any longer
as we quivered and quavered in each other’s arms.
"That was wonderful." She said and I was
glad. She rarely talked after sex.
"Yes," was all I could manage before I
fell asleep right there on top of her.
***** (3rd Person POV)
Seven entered the Mess Hall and ordered supplement
#32. She wasn't particularly fond of them, but they were nutritionally
sound and better tasting than many of Neelix's creations. Seven wondered
why he couldn't learn to cook with something other than Leola root,
before squashing the thought as a waste of her time.
She sat at the corner table preferring to be alone
while perusing a PADD. She heard the combined voices of the other
officers' small talk and tried to tune it out until her name floated to
her on the hushed voices of one of those officers.
She became very still and concentrated intently on
focusing on those voices alone. She had stopped reading her PADD and
only held it up to disguise her true intent, which was to eavesdrop on
Focusing, she heard the voice of Ensign Mulcahy
talking to Lt. Chapman. She concentrated on only their voices.
"I know what I saw."
"I saw her leaving your quarters one evening…
It was very late."
"I assure you… nothing happened."
"That's what they all say."
"You're imagining things."
"Do you deny she was there?"
"Now I know something's going on!" The
timbre of Mulcahy's voice changed.
"I have done nothing wrong!"
"What are you nuts? Everybody knows she
screwing the Captain. They're an item, man!"
"Shh, keep your voice down." Chapman
responded nervously. "You're
exaggerating. That can't be true!"
"No, I'm not. It's more than a rumor. They
act different together, spend more time with each other and Seven's got
that ya know… glow that she never had before. I bet she's getting it
good. Who would've thought the Captain had it in her to tame THAT
Borg!" Seven heard his muffled
laughter and stood up swiftly.
This had to stop!
She approached their table and stood rigidly
"Ensign Mulcahy, Lt. Chapman." She
Mulcahy practically knocked himself over almost
jumping out of his chair at the sound of her voice.
Chapman wasn't so lucky having been right in the
middle of drinking. He struggled to swallow most of it, choking
spastically, some of it dribbling down the sides of his chin as he
gathered his composure.
"Did you finish those reports I requested the
He stared at her totally dumbfounded for awhile as
he struggled to clear his throat. That gave him time to realize, she was
offering him a way out, a cover for her obviously lack of control that
evening or whatever reason she did that. He played along. It couldn't be
any worse than what they already thought. God if that ever got back to
"No," He swallowed his fear. "It
was late, I didn't get a chance."
"Very well." Seven said. "I take it
you will contact me when you have finished them?"
"Uh, yes. Absolutely." He babbled.
Mulcahy was wide eyed as he realized his mistake.
"Acceptable." Seven said, nodding to
them and leaving before she damaged the one called Mulcahy.
She was sorely tempted to rip him limb from limb,
but she also knew that would destroy her status on the ship. Control,
she needed to focus.
Obviously what she did that night was too
dangerous to repeat. Gossip tended to spread like wild fire on this
ship. She would have to remember that. At least for now, she was back in
the good graces of her Captain so hopefully she wouldn't have to stray.
"I wish to try something, Kathryn. Would you
"Depends," I said lying on my
queen-sized bed waiting for her to come over.
"I replicated a device that is supposed to
enhance sexual pleasure. I wish to give you more pleasure,
Kathryn." She smiled, one I would have considered wickedly sinister
if not coming from Seven. As if we didn't have enough!! I thought
shocked, but I was touched by her thoughtfulness.
"Ok," I said intrigued. "How's it
"You will see." Was all she said, but I
noticed she had her hands behind her back. "Lights low." She
commanded and the lights became very dim.
I watched her shadow from the starlight. I could
tell she was taking off her biosuit, but after that I couldn't tell what
she was doing. Then I saw her approach and she kneeled in front of me on
the bed. She parted my legs and bent my knees granting her greater
access to my private parts.
"Seven?" I asked uncertain.
"Don't worry, you will enjoy this."
I was intrigued, until I felt something very thick
penetrate me. "Oh God!" I shouted and she moaned deeply.
I knew what it was at that moment. It was one of
those pleasure devices that can send impulses of sensation from the
phallus to the wearer's sex during intercourse, thus acting as if it was
an extension of your own body.
This I didn't expect and I don't think I've ever
been filled quite that much. It was rather painfully thick, and somewhat
intrusive. Besides, I knew how vigorous she got and with that
monstrosity inside me, it could cause problems despite how pleasurable
it might have been if a little smaller.
"Sev--hmmff." She covered my mouth
hungrily as I tried to speak. I couldn't tell her to lower the size of
it and Seven never built up to a good rhythm slowly. She usually went
from impulse to warp drive quickly in her efforts to achieve an orgasm.
Immensely distracted, I involuntarily kissed her
back before I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed to get her
attention. She didn't understand the signal and grasped my hands with
both of hers intertwining her fingers around them and holding them in a
Her full body weight was on top of mine, thus
effecting my ability to breath evenly. So when she broke the kiss, to
let out a loud groan as she thrusted into me, I could barely catch my
breath, let alone speak. Thankfully, her body arched and shifted doing
the movement of her lunging hips.
"Feeeellls sooo gooood…" I heard her
groan out. My overfilled center lubricated itself in response to that
statement even as my mind cringed.
Apprehension coursed through me as my body was
being battered with equal amounts of pain and pleasure. I closed my eyes
hoping she would reach climax sooner than later.
"Please…" I spluttered out, but she
couldn't hear me between her grunting and the motioning of her hips that
drove that replicated penis into me. She must have set the sensations
too high to be so distracted.
What did this say about her love for me? Was it
all about the sensations and not the emotions for her? Does she think
she loves me, but in actuality only wants the satisfaction that comes
with a physical relationship? How could she be so unaware of what I was
feeling!? This was not making love, this was just sex only for the sake
of her pleasure. Where was the joy of the joining? The emotional impact
in sharing that love? Maybe Seven wasn't ready for this type of
relationship. Maybe she was too new to intimacy understand mutual needs.
I fought to open my eyes and the sight of her
caused my heart to fall. She was so animalistic. Her teeth were barred
as she drove inside me. Sweat dripped off her forehead and then I
realized we were both soaked from the exertion. I concentrated on the
pleasurable aspects of it and how much I loved Seven despite her
carelessness as this act should have been our mutual pleasure.
Since I was well lubricated by now, the pain
wasn't as intense at first, but there was still a dull ache along with
the pleasant sensations of the shaft oscillating inside me. However, I
could feel the swells building inside me stretching to reach that
pinnacle causing me to think incoherently while hovering on the brink of
euphoria and pain, my entire body inflamed and aching from both need and
release. I hadn't even realized that I was rocking my hips up to meet
her thrusts and I wonder how long I had been doing that. I wrapped my
legs around her bucking torso without intending to.
"Sen…sation… soo… in…tense!… "
she squawked in ecstasy.
That statement sent me over the edge. Suddenly,
All cognizant thought left me as my body tightened, the walls of my clit
constricted and pulsed. A stab of pain coursed through me as my already
stretched walls spasmed and an overwhelmingly strong orgasm hit me. An
interesting conflict of sensations to say the least and I could not help
myself when I cried loudly out in release.
I reopened my eyes after my body stopped quivering
and quaking. I could tell she was close to achieving her goal with the
sudden increase of her thrusts. They became frantic and rapid, her
pelvic firing deep into me until with a final heave, she threw her head
back hard and came. Her hair flung over her along with perspiration. She
arched her back, letting out a primal roar, then convulsed violently on
top of me.
A powerful one, I could tell as she yelled out her
climax, her face contorted as if in pain, but her mouth was open sucking
in air while she spasmed through her turbulent release. Finally, she
slumped heavily down on top of me exhausted.
"Ooooff!" I said exhaling air
uncomfortably as her weight slammed into me. Damn!
Her grip on my hands loosened considerably, but
she didn't pull out of me as she heaved for air on top of me. I was
hoping the object would shrink up like a normal penis would after being
satisfied and I wasn't disappointed.
I jumped off her when I had the first opportunity.
"What the hell's a matter with you!!" I spat out.
"Kathryn?!" She questioned with an
innocent flushed face. Now that it was over
I was rather livid.
"I tried to tell you to stop!!"
"What!?" She said leaning on her elbows
looking at me intensely. "I do not understand. When did try to stop
"When you started and after you kissed
"I don't recall that." She remarked.
"You did not try very hard."
"It hurt, Seven!" I yelled clenching my
fists. "How could you not be aware of that!?"
"How am I supposed to know what you are
feeling when I am distracted trying to pleasure you!" Seven
"Did I injury you?" Seven asked.
I stopped speaking when I saw her gasp after her
eyes shifted lower and opened widely as I guessed she was looking at my
I followed her gaze and couldn't believe what I
saw. Blood trickled down my thighs. It wasn't a lot, but it proved that
she did injury me and took no notice at the time it was happening, the
time we were supposed to be making love instead of just having sex.
When I saw her face during those intimate moments,
she was so wrapped up in her own pleasure, she didn't even notice my
discomfort. Should I have expected her to? Was it partially my fault?
I wonder now why I did not try harder to stop her. I should've been
more forceful or could I have?
It was a heart wrenching moment for me. I just
didn't know what to think and that confusion hurt more than the physical
pain. It was another sign that something wasn't right about us. That
something wasn't right with her!
"How could you!?" I blurted out in my
emotional pain and now that it was over I felt a bit violated.
Shocked, Seven stood up quickly, stared at me with
wide eyes before shaking her head and reaching for her biosuit. She
ripped the pleasure device from her waist snapping the belt that
fastened it and tossed it on the bed. She got dressed faster than I
would have thought possible, fixed her damp hair, grabbed the pleasure
device, threw it in the replicator to be recycled and left my quarters
without another word.
"Fuck!" I lashed out verbally.
Heartbroken at the turn of events, I solemnly went to my ensuite to heal
my injury. How could I be so in love with
someone who didn't understand the meaning of gentleness?!
What was I going to do?!
I didn't waste any time the next day. I got up
early, a half-hour before the alpha shift began. Finishing my ablutions,
I inquired to the compute as the whereabouts of Seven and went to Cargo
I sturdied my resolve before I walked through the
bay doors. I found her at her terminal. She did not look up to see who
it was or acknowledge that anybody had even entered, but she knew it was
me, I'm certain.
Her face hardened as I approached and became
tinted with red.
"Captain," she replied, addressing me
"I've come to discuss a personal matter and I
want your full attention."
She glanced up then and stopped her work. Good, I
had her full attention now.
As traumatic as the previous evening was, I had to
explain things properly to Seven without anger. "Do you understand
why last night was inappropriate?"
"Inappropriate?" She repeated.
"Yes, you didn't stop to consider my
She raised an eyebrow to that. "We have never
stopped once at that stage in all twenty-two encounters and you've never
experience anything other than pleasure. I was not aware you were having
any adverse effects to our coupling." She stated clinically.
Seemed a heck of a lot more than that. She must have been referring to
I tensed. "That's because you had your eyes
closed the entire time and you were so wrapped up in your own enjoyment
you didn't even consider mine!"
"Are you saying you did not enjoy it Kathryn,
How in the hell did she always manage to turn the
conversation on me in a way that suggested I was misinterpreting
"There was some enjoyment, but it was
uncomfortable. I felt smothered." I admitted, not one to lie.
She seemed too pleased with my answer. "Is
that not was sex is about, enjoyment." She defended to my dismay.
I stepped in closer to the terminal that separated
us. "Do you truly realize what you've done?"
"Yes, you stated I hurt you." She said
looking away. "I was not aware of that at the time. Upon further
analysis, I realized I had made a mistake. I am… sorry."
I didn't really notice her apology, because I was
still irked and it didn't seem all that sincere to me, but it could have
been my anger clouding my judgment too. "Yes, there's that, but
there's more. There's the trust aspect of it."
"Yes," I said. This next part was hard
to admit, but I had no choice. She had to understand. "I almost
felt like I was being violated last night."
"I'd never do that." She said adamantly,
jutting her chin out.
"I didn't say you would, but never the less,
it's how I felt."
Do you? I doubted it.
"I don't think you do, but it doesn't
"What does this mean?" She asked
tentatively cutting me off.
"I'm not sure, to be honest, but I think we
need time to sort this out."
Her face became harsh. Obviously that wasn't what
she wanted to hear. "Once again, you are going to punish me for my
lack of human insight."
"I'm not punishing you. I just don't feel
you're ready for this type of a relationship, Seven."
"Your reasoning is flawed. You are basing our
relationship on a single unfortunate act instead of considering the 68
times we have made love and you, were completely
I flushed. 68 times? She must be counting
the multiple sessions in the same night to have reached that conclusion.
Then it hit me, I forgot about her eidetic memory. It was typical of her
to discount my concerns so easily by utilizing facts and numbers. I know
she apologized for what happened, but I would have preferred a more
emotional response. It didn't seem to affect her much emotionally that
she had hurt me and I felt it should have. She should have been more
concerned than this. How many times did I use my dermal regenerator, for
cuts and bruises? More times than I can count. She didn't even realize
every argument she had was routed around sex. What
about love, dammit?!
"You need time, Seven. You're too
immature." I said sticking to my plan. I needed space, while she
matured. I just hoped she would.
A shadow crossed the young woman's face and the
anger was intense. She visibly struggled to keep it in place.
"I assure you… I am NOT immature and it is
YOU that needs time, not I." She imposed to me with resentment.
I softened my tone despite the acid in her voice
and gazed at her console. "This doesn't change how I feel about
you. I still love you… It's just that I not sure if I can trust you
with regards to safe sex."
"Perhaps, love is overrated, Kathryn,"
She said angrily. Her eyes bore into mine. I stared at her immobilized
in my stupor over her harsh words. My glistening eyes wide open.
"I'm tired of fighting with you, Kathryn. If
you do not want my affectations, fine. If you will not give me what I
need, then I will find it elsewhere." She then went right back to
work signally to me our talk was concluded.
I gawked at her like a confused child. She was
purposely trying to hurt me with that statement and it worked. I felt
jealous already. Was this the price of
passion for me? To love a drone that didn't understand how to love back
the way it was supposed to be? Would she ever be able to?
As I gazed at her face, which was stoic and
impassive, I felt a sudden stabbing sensation in my chest and knew it to
be fear, grief and frustration all rolled up into one.
I reluctantly turned and tried to leave with
courage, but I’m sure my shoulders slumped as I left the cargo bay
A few days later, I was called to the Bridge with
a species who actually wanted to talk to me first before firing.
"Are you the leader of your vessel?" The
large green skinned man asked me.
"Yes, I'm Captain Janeway of the starship
"This is a friendly warning. We're detecting
a strange energy signature onboard your vessel. Do you require
assistance to annihilate this threat?"
Seven was at the Ops console looking ahead
"I'm don't understand." I gestured with
"I can pinpoint the location. It seems to be
coming from your--"
Mortified at the fire ball explosion that engulfed
the ship before me, I went instantly into Command mode. "What the
I glanced around the bridge looking from officer
"Captain," Tuvok said, his eyes looking
mystified. "Apparently, a photon torpedo was fired from
"What?!" I breathed out exasperated.
"You didn't fire it?"
"Then who fired?!" My eyes landed on
My jaw set rigidly in my face.
"Tuvok, my Ready Room, now."
"I want to know what the hell just
happened!" I rose my voice as soon as the doors slid shut to my
Ready Room. My dark eyes drifted to Tuvok.
"Our systems have been reconfigured. I cannot
locate where the torpedo was fired upon nor whom fired it."
"That's not good enough, Mr. Tuvok. I need to
know who did this and soon so it doesn't happen again!" I took in a
deep breath. "How did that ship not know we were firing? Their
shields were down! Why couldn't they detect it until it was too
"I need answers! Who could have pulled it
off?" I asked sharply. "Who could have reconfigured our
systems to fire without a trace?!"
Tuvok thought about it carefully. "On such
short notice, I would suggest Lt. Torres, Seven of Nine, and myself,
would be the primary suspects." I stared at him. "However, I
would not discount, Ensign Kim, Mortimer Harrison or you, Captain."
"Me?" I said somewhat insulted.
"Based on intelligent, ability and cunning, I
have to consider all the facts."
I sighed. He was right of course.
"Investigate this Commander." I ordered.
"I want to know who did this?"
One day later, I found myself headed to Cargo Bay
Two with a heavy heart. What I was about to do wasn't exactly
regulation, but necessary. Six of us had the ability to pull off this
deception and I needed to find out who. All the medical evaluations of
the suspects checked out, but Seven had changed in the passed month and
it took a battering from my first officer and Tuvok before I would
consider that. We had to consider her the most likely and capable
suspect, despite my relationship with her.
We had no hard evidence that she fired on that
ship. We could find nothing. Every terminal was checked thoroughly. The
wiring, the program, any rerouting of circuits, no trace was found of
any tampering or of who could have fired that photon torpedo and from
So here I was, implementing a plan that I hoped
would flush out the guilty party or at least deter them, but it had its
"Captain," she greeted formally. She
stopped the work at her computer and gave me her full attention.
"I need you to tell me you didn't fire on
that ship." I said in full command mode.
She regarded me speculatively. "I did
I nodded acceptance of that, giving no indication
that I was still not convinced. I still had work to do. "This is
what I've decided to do. There are currently six people onboard this
vessel that I, Tuvok and Chakotay agree on, have the ability to disguise
this kind of an attack.
"I am one of them." She stated, not a
"So am I." I informed her. "So,
since we have no evidence on who, I see no alternative than to have the
six of us partner up until one of us makes a mistake."
Her face tightened. "That is an illogical
"Why would you say that?" I said leaning
on the console.
"Because whoever the guilty party partners up
with will be in danger from that individual." Perhaps Seven wasn't
as naïve as I thought and she did care, in her own way. God, I hoped it
"You're right, but I see no other way."
Her eyes darted around the room. Was that concern for me or fear of
being caught? I simply had no way of knowing. Either way, I was
going to give her a choice.
"It means that no one will be alone at any
time during the course of the day. I will be monitoring your activities
and you will be monitoring mine. You can choose who you would
prefer." I said and gave her the list of suspects.
"I would choose you of course."
"As long as you realize this is a strictly
profession collaboration." I wanted her to know there would be no
intimacy. Her brows rose to that. She understood.
"It will require an adjustment of our
schedules. Do you have a shift preference?"
"Good, I'll be splitting my shift with
Commander Chakotay. You will be on the bridge with me at that time.
After four hours, I will go with you to Astrometrics so you can do your
duties there. We will also have to figure out a cycle of when you should
regenerate so I can get some sleep. If there is an emergency on the
bridge you will accompany me there unless ordered by myself or Chakotay
to do otherwise. I want you to meet me in my quarters in an hour to
discuss the final details. Understood?"
I could swear I saw amusement flash in her eyes.
I straightened my uniform and left.
I was studying a PADD that Chakotay had downloaded
for me regarding Tuvok's security update. One thing stuck out as odd. What
did it mean if anything?
I was lying down on my lounger as Seven worked at
my desk station this evening. I hadn't found anything until I stumbled
upon this new data.
"Interesting," I mumbled. Seven tilted
her head glancing at me. Ah, such good hearing.
"I was wondering," I started. "Why
haven't you made any personal logs for almost four weeks?"
"You are reading my personal logs?" Her
eyes stared into mine. I saw seriousness not anger… yet, but she
avoided an answer.
"I didn't read them. I'm not sure we could
even decode them. I was just wondering why you've made a personal log
almost every day since you've been onboard this vessel and then 26 days
ago you stopped."
Now I saw anger flash across her beautiful
features, but she covered it quickly pretending to go back to work at my
console. "I didn't see the need for it anymore. It serves no
ultimate purpose as I have an eidetic memory."
I meditated on her reply. "It took you four
and a half years to come to that conclusion." I said knowing I
could be starting an argument. I think deep down I wanted one. Having
her so close for these last few days and not being able to touch her was
distracting and I swore I saw intense lust in her eyes every now and
"Why are you questioning me on this, Kathryn.
If you suspect me of something just come out and say it." She said
and slammed my terminal cover down.
I take it the anger was back. I put the PADD down
and folded my arms. I would not be intimidated by her mood swings.
"I really don't know if I suspect you or not.
It just seems like odd behavior to me."
"Odd behavior?!" she echoed, her ire was
growing. She stood up and covered the distance to me quickly to stand
before me. Chest heaving, face drawn, arms at her sides, fists clenched.
I was getting it all today as she hovered over me.
"What is this really about, Kathryn?!"
I stuck to my guns and glanced at the PADD I had
set down on the glass table next to my lounger. "It's about why you
haven't made a personal log in over 26 days?"
I said it evenly with no emotion. I was trying to
bait her into what I didn’t know. The truth? I didn't even know what
that was anymore.
She grimaced and slammed her mesh hand into the
PADD crushing it as it went through the glass table, which was
shattering at the force of the blow.
I jumped off my lounger away from the bits of
glass that flew around. This old lady could still move when she had to.
When I had spun around to see Seven's reaction,
she was red faced and staring at the damage she had done. Why I didn't
call security at that moment I don't know. Perhaps it was the regret I
saw in her face or the frustration.
I said nothing and gave her a few moments to
compose herself. After all if she started to destroy my quarters I would
have call security.
"I have nothing personal to say
anymore." She said tensely.
"I see," I understood a bit more now
that she told me. "What changed?" I asked delicately. I
thought back to that date. Nothing spectacular happened. Her last log
was written the evening before a routine excursion to a planet. Seven
had gone down with myself and a small away team to acquire some much
needed dilithium. That was it. It had to be afterwards. Reflecting on it
some more, I imagined a possible reason. A few days later, we were
intimate for the first time. "Was it regarding us?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes," I said quietly.
"I felt the information too personal to put
in the logs, Kathryn. Too private."
"I understand. I'm sorry I pried, but I had
"No," Seven said turning her yielding
eyes on me. "You do not understand. I have never felt intimacy
before… us. Before that, I did not miss it because I never had it.
Suddenly to be shown such emotion, such pleasure. I wanted more. It was
overwhelming. So many feelings and so many regrets at what the Borg had
cost me. It was disconcerting. I wanted to feel more to make up for what
I had lost and to forget what I had been."
I frowned at her obvious discomfort.
"As 'we' progressed I became more
needful more desperate to drown out the voices of the past and I became
fearful of needing you to much. I still do not know how to be human and
now I was in a full fledged partnership."
I felt tears sting my eyes. "I'm sorry."
"I know, so am I."
"Maybe if I had taken things slower…"
"I don’t think it would have mattered. You
can't rush such things, Kathryn."
"No, it is done." She proceeded to clean
up the mess throwing the shattered pieces into the replicator to be
recycled as energy. "I will replace your table at my expense,
Captain." She said and returned to my work desk.
"Know this," she added after sitting
down. "I know I have hurt you and I can't promise you I won't in
the future… but I will always desire you, Kathryn. I will always want
you." Then she opened my terminal and went back to work.
I blinked furiously to dispel the remaining tears,
but now my heart wanted to burst. Through all her faults and mistakes
she admitted to still wanting me. Was that an indication of love? She
had never verbalized it before. Had never actually said the words.
"Do you… " I hesitated. "love
She looked up, her face serious, passive. "I
believe so… as much as I understand the emotion." The statement
warmed my heart.
It had been three days of me having to spend all
twenty-four hours in close proximity to Seven and no new information
came to light on the saboteur. I didn't watch everything she did but
nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Having to spend all this time close
to her but not being able to touch her was harrowing to say the least.
"Kathryn?" Seven called out and I knew
something was wrong from her tone. "I cannot do this anymore."
It was late at night and time for bed. "We
still haven't figured out which one of the six of us caused that torpedo
to fire, Seven."
"I was not referring to that. I'm talking
I put my book down on the nightstand. "Your
referring to us, aren't you?"
"Yes, I desire you… so much. It's hard to
sleep next to you and not be able to touch you. How can you do it so
"I never said it was easy." I said
calling on my Starfleet training. "But it's necessary."
"Seven," I said. "We don't need to
go there now. Let's get some sleep, ok?"
She crawled into bed next to me and then jumped on
top of me, straddling my stomach.
I looked at her grimly as my body responded. I was
"Don't you desire me, Kathryn?" She
leaned over and came to within inches of my face. I was waiting to see
how far she'd take this.
She pressed her hips into mine so I could feel her
heat against my genitals. It was tempting, but did I trust her enough
"I want you, Kathryn." She kissed me
hungrily when I said nothing. I did not protest. I felt her tongue push
into my mouth feasting on me. It was odd for a moment as I really felt
like she was consuming me body and soul.
Groaning to the pleasure, I lost my reserve then
and kissed her back fighting her tongue avidly. Her tongue battled mine
inside my mouth. It was like she was trying to win, she was so
aggressive. Did she do nothing softly, tenderly, just once?
Her hands lifted my pajama shirt and slid up my
stomach to cup my breasts. I was getting pools of moisture between my
legs in abundance. I found myself moaning despite my tenacity not to
give in to her. She undulated her pelvis against me as her hands were
busy on my breasts.
"I need to take you…" She reached down
inside my pajama bottoms, but I grabbed her hands so she couldn't
"No!" I finally came to my senses and
pushed her off me. I stood up quickly. "This is NOT going to
She scowled at me deeply, giving me a very
antagonistic look. "Very well," she said coldly reaching for a
pillow. She stood up and proceeded to other room.
"It's too bad you cannot see that we are
"There's no such thing as… perfection,
Seven. As much as I love you, we are NOT perfect."
"I disagree, Kathryn. Sex with you is as
perfect as it can be."
"Figures you'd see it that way, but I’m
referring to our whole relationship. And NOT all of the sex has been
perfect for me."
She conceding the point, with a tilt of her head.
"You still have a lot to learn about
humanity. I don’t say that to be harsh, but this can't happen again.
Not until we find this saboteur, understand?"
I could tell she was not pleased and stared at me
oddly for what seemed a while. "I will be on the couch."
Did I have any self control with her? What was it
with us anyways?
I was sound asleep in my quarters when the
computer woke me up. "Seven of Nine to
Seven? Why would she be hailing me? She was
supposed to be on the couch sleeping? She wasn't supposed to be anywhere
"Captain, we need you in Engineering. There's
a small problem."
"What is it, Seven?" Trying not to let
my annoyance show.
"I'll explain when you get here, Seven
It wasn't like Seven to not at least give me a
short summary of the problem. I reflected on what it could be while
getting into my uniform. Then I left my quarters heading for
Engineering. I didn't notice anything was out of the ordinary until I
got out of the turbolift deck 8.
I noticed a crewman lying unconscious in the
middle of the corridor. I checked his pulse, it was steady. I didn't
notice any visible injuries and wondered what could've done this. I hit
"Janeway to the Bridge."
There was no answer.
"Janeway to Seven of Nine."
There was still no answer. I was really getting
worried now. I got back into the turbolift went to deck two to grab a
phaser before heading back to Engineering.
I found a half dozen more unconscious crewmen on
deck 8 and deck 10 before I arrived in Engineering.
"Seven, what's going on?" I asked upon
the door sliding open. I proceeded to approach her. She was at the main
terminal stationed in front of the warp core. She had her back to me.
"Computer, seal the doors, Authorization,
Seven, alpha-beta-omega." She commanded to the computer.
was she doing?
Seven turned around, took the phaser out of my
holster, tossed it on the floor and grabbed my wrists all before I could
react in the slightest.
"What the hell are you doing?!" I spat
"Do not be alarmed. You will not be harmed,
if you cooperate." She told me, but my gut instincts told me not to
believe her. Her blue eyes were dark. I only saw shadows in them.
"However, I make no promises for your crew."
Out of the corners of Engineering came three of my
former crewmen who I could barely recognize with all the wires and
metallic implants adorning their bodies. It was obvious that Seven had
assimilated them. Ensign Delgado, Mulcahy and Thomas. Unfortunately,
Delgado and Mulcahy had two prisoners who had yet to be assimilated.
Mulcahy on my left had Lt. Susan Nicoletti and
Delgado on my right had a struggling B'Elanna Torres. They looked like
they had been roughed up. The other Borg, Thomas was standing at
attention, apparently awaiting orders from her.
My heart lurched in pain when I met her eyes in
vexation. They held no remorse. Rather, she smirked at her handy work.
It seemed evil. Aghast, at the horror I was forced to witness before me,
I struggled in her tight grip. "What have YOU DONE!?"
"What I needed to do, Kathryn." She
hissed at me.
"What exactly is THAT?"
"The taking over of your ship."
"You can't be serious?!" I exclaimed,
feeling I was totally lost in another reality.
"I am completely serious and I will even give
you the option of joining me. I will be in command of course, but you
can be my subordinate."
"I'll never agree to that." I fumed,
giving her my hardest Look. She didn't even flinch. The Seven I knew
would have been affected by my anger at her, if not riled by it. I didn’t
know this creature before me. What's
happened to her? An alien infestation? Is she being controlled somehow?
What would make her betray us like this!?
Seven pulled me closer her breath on my face.
"I knew you would be… stubborn, but you have no choice. You will
comply and then I will let consider letting your crew live. If you
refuse me, I will kill them all."
"You're insane," I blurted out, shaken
by her actions.
"I assure you. I'm not. Join me, Kathryn. We
can rule this quadrant… together."
"I can't do that."
"Either way, you will submit to me!"
"I will NOT!" I rebuked my voice thick
with acrimony. Her eyes were like flames upon my soul shattering it.
"Then I'll kill them all including the
children." I gave her a stare of pure loathing at her cruelty.
"I'll stop you!" I threatened her. My
rage to protect my crew would overcome any personal anguish I might
feel. I would kill her if she gave me no choice. Then my heart would die
with her last breath. I feared that's exactly where we were heading.
She flipped me around pushing back against the
terminal and leaned over me.
"No, you won't Kathryn. You know you want me.
Who else will give you pleasure the way I can." She teased, kissing
me hard as I resisted. "You're in love with me, if you kill me,
you'll never be the same. Oh, I know you have to try..." She mocked
me. "But you will fail."
She kept forcibly kissing me. I turned my head to
the side effectively breaking her lip lock on me.
"I should kill you for your insolence,
Kathryn." She snarled at me. "If I didn't enjoy you so much I
might be tempted to, but you're no threat to me."
She released her hold then and tossed me away
She nodded to the Thomas drone, before starting to
work on the console again and he left Engineering apparently to follow a
"Where's he going?" I asked while
rubbing the circulation back into my wrists.
"He's going to assist the other drones in
ridding me of your crew." She said casually her back to me. There
were more than three drones?! How many of my crew did she assimilate?
"Why are you doing this, Seven?!" I
could not allow her to do this.
"Wouldn't you like to know, Kathryn?"
"Please… " I implored her.
"Surrender my ship and let me help you?"
She ignored me. I couldn't wait any longer. I had
to act while I still could. Who knew what those drones were doing to my
crew at this very moment? I reached quickly for my hidden phaser,
stuffed in the ankle of my boot and fired at the nearest Borg, catching
him in the upper shoulder. His armor sparkled and fizzled as the blast
hit him in the chest knocking him down. Lt. Nicoletti fell to the side
freed from his grasp.
Then I aimed for Seven. "Don't move."
She had turned and was glaring at me. "You
had a spare weapon." She glanced at the one on the floor she made
me drop earlier. "My mistake."
"I wouldn't suggest it." I warned her.
"I still have your crewmen prisoner."
She gestured to the Borg holding Lt. Torres. "I could have her neck
snapped quicker than you could fire that phaser, Captain."
She smiled evilly at me. "Did you really
think you could resist me? That you could be anything other than a slave
to me. You mean nothing to me, Captain. You are a means to an end."
She mocked me, her words cutting deep, unshed
tears came streaming down my face.
"You need help, Seven."
"I need power!" She clenched her fist.
"Drop the phaser or I will kill your crew starting with her."
"I will kill them, Captain. You cannot harm
me, I've re-activated my Borg shielding."
"Probably, but I'd rather take that chance
than let the ship fall into YOUR hands."
"A mental command is all it takes." She
I set the phaser to kill and modulated the
frequency. She saw me do it and narrowed her eyes diving for the phaser
on the floor.
She didn't make it in time as I fired point blank
knocking her away from the weapon.
I hovered dazed over her damaged body after I shot
her. It was still smoking where I phasered her. It disintegrated her
biosuit and burnt the flesh off her. If it wasn't for her Borg shielding
it would have disintegrated her.
I slapped my combadge, "Janeway to sickbay!
Medical emergency in Engineering!"
There was no answer. She probably took the EMH
offline. There was nothing I could do for her to my dismay.
I knelt down before her, averting my eyes from the
wound knowing nothing could save her now. The damage was too extensive.
She laid there breathing raggedly, struggling for breath. I bent over
and looked into her cloudy eyes.
She struggled with words as blood filled her
mouth. "I should have killed you when I had the chance, but I…"
She said choking again not finishing.
I cringed at those words, but said nothing as she
gagged on her own blood, but I could feel my own heart dying with her
and more tears, despite her betrayal.
I felt outrage and anguish overwhelm me,
"Why?!" I demanded trying to make some sense of what she
forced me to do. I would have worked with her. Assisted her in any way I
could have to prevent this. Hell, I would have resigned as Captain, if I
thought it would have changed the horrific results of this moment.
"I had to… " She feebly raised her arm
to stroke my cheek. "You are good… " She grinned, another
choke, more blood.
"What?!" I spat, confused.
"I didn’t… believe… you would--"
were her last words. She gagged and struggled for air. I watched
painfully as she took her last breath. I could hear her exhaling and I
closed my eyes. I had tears gushing down my face, but I was also livid
as well. I wanted her to justify what she had done and why!! Now I would
have neither, just guilt and regret.
I gave into the anguish of it all and lowered my
head on her shoulder and cried.
Lt. Torres was kind enough to give me a minute to
dwell on my loss. After an indeterminate amount of time, I felt warm
hands on my shoulders. "Captain…"
I rose my head up. I had stopped crying, but my
bones didn't want to move. Now that she reminded me of my duty, I went
into command mode.
"B'Elanna," I said as I stood, noticing
Lt. Nicoletti there as well. "Susan."
"Do you know if she damaged the ship in
anyway?" I directed my question to Lt. Torres.
"I don't think so, Captain."
"Torres you're with me. Nicoletti, scan for
Borg signatures and raise a force field where you find them. Make sure
none move from their current location wherever that may be."
"We've got to get to sickbay and find out
what happened to the Doctor." I told Torres.
"What about the Borg drones?" She
I dared a glance at Seven's body, emotion filling
me once again to point of bursting. I looked away. "With their
connection to Seven eliminated, they won't pose a threat, but we need to
get them to sickbay. I couldn't contact the Doctor earlier. I just hope
she didn't delete his program."
"How is it you're not unconscious like the
rest?" I asked walking along the corridor.
"She beamed into Engineering with those three
drones and incapacitated us before we had a chance to find weapons. She
gassed the rest of the ship. How do you manage to escape the gas,
"My quarters were not gassed. She summoned me
I could feel B'Elanna's gaze on me as we traversed
"You have something to say Lt.?"
"I’m sorry, Captain." She took a
breath. "We all know how much you cared for her."
"I'll survive." I said harshly, lying to
myself. It was inappropriate to let her know or see the depths of my
pain. As Captain, she needed to believe I was in complete control,
despite my tragic circumstances. "I just want to know why!"
We arrived in sickbay and I checked the main
terminal while Torres checked the doctor's office computer.
"Here he is." I announced. "She
simply took him offline." I was relieved, but I refused to believe
she did it for us. She probably didn't want to waste the time it
would've taken to delete him.
It took me a few minutes to key in the proper
instructions to bring his program back online. When I did, I updated him
on our current status and together we revived everyone by releasing a
counter agent to the knock out gas Seven had used to incapacitate the
I contacted Chakotay who was on the Bridge and
told him the situation. With Tuvok and the help of his security team we
rounded up the other assimilated crewmen. There were a total of five.
The Doctor said he would be able to remove the exo-plating
from all the crewman. The only problem would be the injuries sustained
to the crewman I shot in the chest, Ensign Mulcahy. He was in critical
As if I didn't have enough guilt on my conscious.
When the Doctor saw Seven's charred lifeless body
brought into sickbay, his mood changed perceptibly to foul. I explained
briefly what happened, but it didn't change his mood.
"Was this necessary?" he asked not
looking at me. He proceeded to scan her.
"I had no choice… I had to disable her
quickly before she could give any commands to the crewmen she
"You did not give her a chance to
surrender?" he asked incredulously.
"Of course I did!" I glared at him for
"I think you acted too quickly to defend your
ship and you didn't even give her a chance!"
He obviously didn't believe me that she was a real
threat. I turned to the Doctor fury etched into my features. "How
dare you criticize my choices in this situation. Don't YOU think for a
moment I don't know where this is coming from, Doctor? I know you had
feelings for her, but your forgetting so did I!"
I clenched my fists together. The words hurt and
cast more doubt on my already precariously wounded heart and soul.
"You may have loved her Doctor, but I was... in love with
"And if you ever suggest otherwise, I'll
decompile your damn program!" I threatened him callously, but deep
inside I didn't mean it. I was so angry from his accusation even though
I knew the reasoning behind it. It wasn't justified. What
about my pain!? What about my loss!? Did he think for one moment I would
not feel guilt over having to kill my lover?!
I turned my pain filled face towards him.
"Why don't you just concentrate on finding
out what the hell happened to her!" I exclaimed in a pained voice.
On my way back to my quarters, I hailed Chakotay
and put him in charge. I was exhausted more mentally and emotionally
than physically, but I really wanted to sulk alone in silence in my own
misery without anyone knowing.
Captain's Personal log: Stardate, 55710.8
"I killed her. I had no choice. I didn't want
to, but I had to. She was a threat to the ship. I pleaded with her to no
avail. She wanted command of my vessel, but in my heart I knew it was
something else. Why after all these years would she suddenly desire that
power? I still don't know the answer to that question and it has only
been two days since her death. The death I caused… Pause
I put my trembling hands over my face to try and
contain the hot tears spilling forth. A few minutes later, somewhat more
composed I continued.
"I keep telling myself I had no choice, and
my senior staff remind me of that too. The crew knew what I had done was
for their safety. Some openly sympathized for me. Others avoided me and
couldn't seem to look me in the eyes. Sometimes, I want to curse my duty
as an officer. God knows, I'm paying the price now for my actions and
probably for the rest of my life. It will be a shallow life at best
Oh, the signs that something wasn't right were
there, but I didn't want to see it and by the time I did, it was too
late. Perhaps I didn’t want to see it because I was in love with her.
They say true love is blind. Sadly, I wonder now if she ever truly loved
me. Maybe there wasn't enough emotion there to facilitate a deep abiding
love from her, but what do I know. Perhaps, she lacked the ability to
love, or maybe it was a borg defect, or an act to gain the power she so
Seven said she expected me to try and kill her.
She taunted me with it and said I would never be the same. I agreed with
her even in my horror over her words. I've been never so shaken in all
my life over what happened that fateful day in Engineering.
I could tell she meant what she said by the look
in her eyes. The cold cruel gaze that looked back wasn't the Seven I had
grown to love. I can't even imagine what was going on inside her!
She seemed to change sometime after we became
physical. I call it physical because…. Well that's what it was. That's
pretty much all we did. We didn't spend much quality time together in
each other's company. There was very little enhancement to the emotional
and mental wellbeing in our relationship. I thought this was what she
wanted too and I thought she indicated that to me early on in our
relationship, but now I'm not so sure she meant it.
I just don't know.
I still have trouble believing she could behave so
solidly as an individual for so many years and then change so much to
actually want to harm my crew.
It doesn't change the pain I'm in right now. I
continue to search for an explanation as to why she acted the way she
did. I need to find closure. My heart needs to, so I can find some peace
with the fact that I killed my lover and friend. You can't imagine what
it's like to fire the weapon that kills someone you love. Knowing you're
responsible for that loss, that somehow you failed them and that you
have to live with it for the rest of your days.
It's only been two days since the incident and I
know I'll mourn so much longer than that.
God, I miss her.
The third day after Seven's death, Tuvok and
B'Elanna entered my Ready Room and stood before me. Their faces were
preoccupied. I hoped the news was good. Lt. Torres had difficulty
keeping eye contact with me. I could understand that. She witnessed the
events of that day first hand and my subsequent emotional turmoil. I
wasn't worried about it. I knew I had her respect, maybe even a new
understanding that I was more than just a Captain. I was human too and I
I steepled my hands together forcing control and
patience then gave them my full attention.
"Captain, we have Seven of Nine's personal
logs." Tuvok informed me while handing me the data PADD.
I had almost forgotten I had ordered Tuvok to
investigate Seven's recent behavior and he was utilizing B'Elanna's help
to try and break into Seven's personal logs.
I took the PADD ambivalently, wondering what
horrors it would contain. Would its
contents help or hurt me further?
"We also found a separate memo along with the
personal logs." Torres advised me.
Tuvok eyed me cautiously. I disregarded it as his
way of checking on my emotional status.
"How did you do it?" I asked B'Elanna.
"The personal logs were encoded with borg
encryption algorithms. It took me a few days to figure out the correct…
"Good work." I said quietly. I was
grateful even if I couldn't show it.
"I regret to inform you Captain that it is
all the evidence I could find regarding her recent behavior." Tuvok
I looked at him numbly. "That's because
there's nothing to find. The Doctor told me earlier today that he found
nothing despite two days of implementing tests. Her DNA checked out
perfectly." I paused not adding that I had the Doctor put her body
in stasis until further notice. I wasn't ready to give up, but I also
didn't want to waste any more of Tuvok's time. "Consider your
investigation done for now."
I didn't wait for any acknowledgement and they let
themselves out as I stared at the PADD held tightly in my hands.
I decided to take the PADD to my quarters and read
it in private. So I lied down on my bed and proceeded to read.
Seven of Nine Personal log: Stardate, 55540.2
I had an interesting first experience today known
as making out. I was considerably nervous, but it proved to be an
enlightening experience. I enjoyed kissing Kathryn while resting my
hands on her small waist. I had difficulty concentrating on analyzing my
reactions to it, as I seemed to lose myself in the participation of it.
I actually lost track of time. That had not
happened to me before and should not with my internal chronometer, but
at the time I was too engaged to consider it. Her mouth was so moist,
her lips soft and smooth and what she did with her tongue made me gasp
for air. I gave off other secretions, I was completely unprepared for.
It was more pleasurable than anything I have done
before in my life. I wonder if Kathryn feels the same way as she has had
considerably more experience in this act than I.
I am beginning to feel more confident in my
ability to feel 'pleasure'. I am overjoyed at the prospect of
becoming intimate with Kathryn. I look forward to it.
Pleasure is not irrelevant. The borg were
mistaken. I understand, now part of what they have taken from me and I
look forward to my future as an individual part of the Voyager
Seven of Nine Personal log: Stardate, 55590.0
I have been spending a lot of time with Kathryn
outside of our duties and I believe that I am beginning to understand
love. I have no past experience to relate to in judging the accuracy of
what I believe I'm feeling, but I feel as if I am falling in love with
I define love as follows:
Love requires that and individual give up
judgment, fear, resentment, shame, hurt, and expectation of love
returned. Love expects forgiveness for all harm done. This does not mean
that a person will forget the harm done or continue to position
themselves in harm's way, only that setting healthy boundaries is good.
It means that a person must claim full responsibility for their
experience. They must give up seeing themselves as a victim and see
themselves as a divine being worthy of great love. Love commands of us
that we simply give of our hearts freely and unconditionally....
I do not profess to have mastered this emotion. On
the contrary, I am excited about loving her more and yet fearful of it.
I do not believe I will be able to master it despite how long I live.
Love is a complex and intricate emotion with many facets. Yet I look
forward to each new facet learned with Kathryn at my side and I hope I
am truly worthy of her love.
Seven of Nine Personal log: Stardate, 55600.2
I am going on an away mission today and although
it is only an uninhabited planet and should pose no threat, I have felt
a need to verbally dictate my thoughts before hand. In case, I do not
Since being involved with Kathryn, I have felt
what I believe is love and although we have not consummated our
relationship by our mutual choice, I know that she is the only one for
me. Unlike that first time when I nervously verbalized my newfound
revelations to her in the Ready Room, I was now certain of the emotion I
was feeling in regards to Kathryn.
Perhaps in my inexperience I was being naïve. I
hope not. I love Captain Kathryn Janeway and I intend to live the rest
of my days proving just that.
I intend to leave her a memo to be updated before
every away mission I am involved in, in case I am fatally wounded.
Mostly to let her know, how much she means to me and to ease her pain. I
know how much her death would harm me. It would diminish me in ways I do
not want to fathom. I would become less and that disturbs me. However, I
cannot cheat fate and death will come eventually. I want to be prepared…
Memo to KJ:
If you're reading this something has happened to
me. Kathryn, know that I love you and I wish the best for you. You must
not live in the past. You must take care of yourself and get your crew
home. You must let yourself love again and be loved. I know you will
never forget me. My love will always be with you. Please be well, my
In the short time, I knew you, I lived a life
time. I have no regrets.
Love Seven on Nine, a.k.a. Annika Hansen,
PS your favorite ex-borg.
If I felt pain before, I was in agony now. The
PADD fell from my limp hand as I lied back in my bed staring up through
the window to the nothingness that was space. It was how I felt empty
I had only read a few of the latest selections,
but it was enough to shatter me. I don't get it. Her logs and her
farewell memo suggested she loved me very much. What went wrong?
This just added more questions.
Chakotay entered my quarters after chiming for
admittance. He just wanted to check up on me but when he saw me, he
stopped dead in his tracks.
I must have looked awful from his reaction. I was
slouched in my long chair, facing the windows that overlooked the
starfield outside the ship. My glass was almost empty. I had been
drinking. I saw him eye the half-empty bottle of whiskey. I was drowning
I turned my solemn, lost face towards him.
Although I knew he could tell I had been crying, my gaze must have been
distant and emotionless to go with my numbness.
"Commander," I greeted him, not rudely,
but without warmth.
"Are you all right, Captain?" he asked.
I looked at my glass of whiskey and downed the
last bit in a gulp. "No," I said, putting the glass down.
"I'm not and I wonder if I'll ever be."
"Oh, Kathryn." Chakotay said it as if he
could feel my desolation, as if I wasn't alone in this. The senior staff
and many other crewmembers had tried for weeks to talk with me and cheer
me up, but I was withdrawing as was my right. Who
cares if it was into a dangerous mental state of solitude? What did it
"You're not alone in this, Kathryn."
"Aren't I?" I stood up and turned to
him. "Do you have any idea, how much I loved her?"
"No," Chakotay admitted, "I didn't,
but I do now."
"Yeah, well, it doesn't matter now, does
"Of course it does, it matters to you and I
wouldn't be much of a friend it I didn't say so." Chakotay rubbed
his hands together nervously then continued. "And I'm sorry for the
way I treated both of you when I found out. I was jealous of what you
"I did not plan what happened." I
replied tersely. "And it was over between you two months before she
suggested we date."
"I know that now."
"Besides, she cared for you Chakotay, she
told me so herself. It was just… " I put a hand on my hip trying
to think through my misery and intoxicated state. "Did you love
her? I mean did you really love her?"
"No, Kathryn, not really. I loved you, but I
knew it wasn't in the cards regardless of our rank."
"I'm sorry Chakotay. You deserve someone who
loves you unconditionally as well as--"
"Deserving love is not the issue, Kathryn. We
don't choose whom we fall in love with."
"No, we don't, but as Captain, I shouldn't
have gotten involved with someone under my command, regardless of what I
"You're being unrealistic."
"I prefer to call it practical."
"It's not against regulations, Kathryn. It's
a suggestion not a rule."
"Well it should be, damn it! It just causes
more trouble in the end."
"Even Captain Picard has been known to date
members of his crew."
"Perhaps, but it has more of an impact out
here in the middle of nowhere." I elaborated annoyed at his counter
Chakotay frowned at my excuses. "Why are you
punishing yourself? You've felt strongly about her for awhile now
haven't you? I bet you had feelings for her even before I started dating
her. You hid them very well, even though, our dating must have…
unsettled you in some way. Do you honestly think that by suppressing
your feelings for her and then having to kill Seven, that it would have
hurt you any less than it does now?"
I threw a force ten-death glare at him for
mentioning my ex-lover's name, but my glare turned to agony at the
realization of the answer.
"She left me a memo you know." I told
him. "To be delivered in case of her death, telling me how much she
loved me. Explain THAT contradiction!?"
I giggled at the absurdity of it all. My alcohol
consumption was making me feel all gloom and doom. "Here," I
picked up the PADD and tossed it to him.
He caught it against his chest, his eyes wide. He
looked at the memo and I could tell when the realization hit him.
"This doesn't make any sense." He said
"See?" I blasted myself with self-pity.
"She loved me Chakotay. Enough to attempt to kill my crew!"
"I don't believe that!" He said.
"This suggests otherwise."
"Oh, I don't know, near the end, she was
showing a sick sense of humor, to rub it in."
"For what purpose?" he asked.
"To torture me! What else?!" I mumbled
"Kathryn, you're being unrealistic and you've
had too much to drink." He reached out to take my wine bottle.
"NO!" I went to stop him and he gripped
my arms forcefully, but not roughly.
"Kathryn! You've got to stop this. You're
killing yourself with guilt. We're your friends… and we still love
"Oh god!" I broke down before him and
doubled over holding my abdomen in pain. "It hurts so much!"
He folded his arms around me quickly to comfort
me. In my anguish, I threw my arms around him and hugged him fiercely,
crying out in an anguish that would not let me go.
I felt him move me to the couch, and he held my
head to his chest as I sobbed for my long lost lover. I hoped he was
praying that this would allow me to heal, but I wasn't sure anything
"Why?!" I moaned.
No one answered.